Anxiety is....

'We may believe we're anxious about this or that, body image, the state fo the world, relationship issues, the weather but no matter what story we weave around it, the anxiety just is. Like addiction itself, anxiety will always find a target, but exists independently of its targets. Only when we become aware of it does it wrap itself in identifiable colour. More often we repress it, bury it under ideas, identifications, deeds, beliefs and relationships.

We build above it a mound of activities and attributes that we mistake our true selves. We then expend our energies trying to convince the world that our self made fiction is reality. As genuine as our strengths and achievement may be, they cannnot but feel hollow until we acknowledge the anxiety they cover up.' ~ In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts. Gabor Maté.

For whom does the educational system toll?

It never fails to amaze how much I underestimate the human capacity for stupidity but are we to blame when the educational system is limited to its service of those we are taught to place on pedal stools whereby experts are paid to be as restrictive also in order to serve such a requirement?

Looking down our noses is as much an ignorant snobbery of the societal proclaimed superior as it is those from whom they trample over in equally as dismissive stupidity. How are we supposed to know whose expertise to trust when all is geared thus? And people wonder why we don't unite and toe the conforming line!

I do not fear the people, the traumatised child that I was does.

Heal thyself.

Part of the answer to a question not asked enough may lie with the use of corticosteroids..a synthetic form of cortisol, a natural hormone suppressed by chronic repression of emotion, anger being a prime emotion withheld in our "can do" "stay calm" "be positive" 'civilised' society leading to all manner of illness when the mix is also isolation and disconnection within society. In short; our immune function is already compromised by the values we live by unquestionably.

Understanding acceptance, why not?

I was not created, baked in welcoming arrival, nurtured into sensitive bond with cells, but an enigma, one would think if responses are to go by, cultured from a toxic womb awash with affected chemical stress. In the beginning, there was opportunity had it presented for healing a damaged foetus but that was not for me. The ruination of an evolving being is as natural as the flower blooming to perfection.

We are all a result of our growing selves clashing with confused surroundings. Confusing surroundings naturally addressed. Some of us numbed to the interaction, others, perhaps making up for lost relations, feel it all. My body reacts shaking my core when too close to guarded emotion spilling over in its recreation. Isolation is my home, this world is dangerous for one whose body absorbs the waste and yet in life not meekly it is owned but fervently. Unwittingly one with everything, none I've permitted close enough in understanding as I speak my fathoming. Another language I must learn if want for belonging is attained. My riddled explanation foreign to hidden sights I delve relishingly distant, only attracting similar in uninstitutionalised educating.

How silent the cries of appreciation would become.

I wonder how fast PPE would arrive if all NHS staff said they would do no more until they are safe? I wonder how fast wages would rise if all other essential workers risking their and their family's lives for low wages if they downed tools? We are conditioned to self sacrifice for the good of others, heroes of our communities...an intense belief but how correct? Would you support them if they said: "no more the martyr"?