The blue balloon

How pain scratches through almost hope. I watch as the shrivelling blue balloon floats lonely along the shore with no destination but its own demise. A child's lost joy perhaps stolen by the breeze. Who else notices this small insignificant innocense bobbing with the ripples of trapped fluidity before me? I breathe in alone witnessing that is right before my eyes with its simplistic beauty hidden from black and white view. I think not but who to share as I scratch at the hurt where hope is within and without reach. If I could only let go as the belonger of lost pleasure, of lost security of the heart and float where the water takes with the same certainty as the now blue spec on its way to nowhere, for nowhere but dust and ash is where we all head with determined destination to belong with greater significance than we are but for destruction of the dream of life flourishing without rancour. In gathering borne of fear of scarcity we hoard all that need not exist but to sit and watch and wonder as life passes through us like the wind upon which steals the blue balloon gone.

Happy Valentine's day.

My love of life incorporates everything I hate. I hate alongside blame that I know is inherently my own, my own willingness to follow paths that I lead to my ultimate destruction knowing it's a...my process that I shall emerge with greater understanding and confidence plus a clearer vision of the blamed that I chose for reasons perhaps instinctively known would lead to my next awakening. A course I am bound to continue taking. I shall reap the rewards that at this present time I have no idea of knowing. That is when love returns.

Democracy undergoing 'alarming' decline around the world, study finds ~ The Independent.

Well worth a read to see how authoritarian one might be when screaming out about democracy being upheld. As I've been saying all along, it seems people are willing to forgo democracy to have their vote..something most seem to consider the tenet of democracy...acted upon. Those who are shouting the loudest about freedom of speech, sovereignty, making Britain great again, taking back control are unwittingly fighting for authoritarian control...the very antithesis of democracy and something this right wing government is more than happy to accommodate...Thatcher would be wetting herself with excitement as Hitler would rekindle his spark in the wings waiting for his opportunity to oblige and take the social cleansing a whole leap forward. We've already witnessed how easily those who champion conformity over civil freedom decimate anyone who stands truly for democracy...Jeremy Corbyn has had everything in their armoury thrown at him enticing all walks of life to squirm at his policies and 'snowflake' desires for justice for all and he would not be permitted to continue his course of action even if in government. The status quo simply wouldn't allow such democratic equality. Correct me if I am wrong in this I've also been saying all along...having the tories take us out of the EU was all we needed to consider when voting in the referendum, that if the leave vote won we'd be heading for a far right government and that civil unrest..even war is on the horizon. I was told I was scaremongering in 2016, tell me I'm still wrong. The safety plans for the royal family doesn't appear to be chanced with such outcomes. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/democracy-freedom-house-annual-report-civil-liberties-authoritarian-donald-trump-us-a8763196.html?fbclid=IwAR0PocJI0waDIsjW_xU2rILuA8GbMMYjqoN2S94yOn7ch1JKEYfT6XGPnhM

George Monbiot: How to Really Take Back Control

Shall I go or shall I stay now?

Knowing full well the dynamics of a distant pursuer relationship and not acting on impulses, old patterns of behaviour are two very conflicting internal warpaths. I recognise in a new and distant relationship my part and the other's causing me to run as far as way as possible whilst aching to be close with him. We are both distancers and pursuers, we both talk but I'm not convinced his talking is as open and upfront as mine. He assumes and judges rather than explores with me what I mean, who I am, what's going on it appears and which is what first led me to follow his lead despite and because of years of thinking he's not for me whilst other's spoke of how suited we both seemed as we both shook our heads denying any possible compatibility. A one night stand I thought and one that wasn't enough to entice me back and yet back I went slightly cautiously until entirely sure I had to put what we were doing to bed...so to speak. It took me 52 years to leave the destructive patterns behind with my mother, 7 years from my first love, 10 years with the second long term disastrous and should if sense prevailed never have happened relationship which took a further 10 to get away from entirely as the more I walked the greater his stranglehold choking my family to death, 14 years with the next as I was still dealing with the mindblowing control games from the previous as well as learning the relationship patterns I'd developed as an anxious child and of course, mother's soul destroying interference, and the last I want is to spend the next month let alone double figure years in angst over this new interest but I have a feeling I'm going to be pushed and pulled by my own desires and understanding for some time to come. I am erecting healthy boundaries, I shall not continue with the haphazard course he's instigated these several months past but I will talk honestly and straightforwardly, as I have been from the off when talking is required, when he wants to discuss as I've said all I need until and not until or if I am assured his talking matches his actions will I enter into that hotbed of spice and all things nice again ...the suspense is killing me, just one glimmer of hope is all I need to steady myself until he's gone again...and there, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the distant pursuer neither distancing nor pursuing but chomping at the bit to do both, holding on to the tiniest of sparks in need of ignition. Would it be easier to remain alone, never touching another man? Hell yeah but nowhere near as delicious as this learning curve. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/compassion-matters/201704/are-you-the-pursuer-or-the-distancer-in-your-relationship