Shall I go or shall I stay now?

Knowing full well the dynamics of a distant pursuer relationship and not acting on impulses, old patterns of behaviour are two very conflicting internal warpaths. I recognise in a new and distant relationship my part and the other's causing me to run as far as way as possible whilst aching to be close with him. We are both distancers and pursuers, we both talk but I'm not convinced his talking is as open and upfront as mine. He assumes and judges rather than explores with me what I mean, who I am, what's going on it appears and which is what first led me to follow his lead despite and because of years of thinking he's not for me whilst other's spoke of how suited we both seemed as we both shook our heads denying any possible compatibility. A one night stand I thought and one that wasn't enough to entice me back and yet back I went slightly cautiously until entirely sure I had to put what we were doing to bed...so to speak. It took me 52 years to leave the destructive patterns behind with my mother, 7 years from my first love, 10 years with the second long term disastrous and should if sense prevailed never have happened relationship which took a further 10 to get away from entirely as the more I walked the greater his stranglehold choking my family to death, 14 years with the next as I was still dealing with the mindblowing control games from the previous as well as learning the relationship patterns I'd developed as an anxious child and of course, mother's soul destroying interference, and the last I want is to spend the next month let alone double figure years in angst over this new interest but I have a feeling I'm going to be pushed and pulled by my own desires and understanding for some time to come. I am erecting healthy boundaries, I shall not continue with the haphazard course he's instigated these several months past but I will talk honestly and straightforwardly, as I have been from the off when talking is required, when he wants to discuss as I've said all I need until and not until or if I am assured his talking matches his actions will I enter into that hotbed of spice and all things nice again ...the suspense is killing me, just one glimmer of hope is all I need to steady myself until he's gone again...and there, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the distant pursuer neither distancing nor pursuing but chomping at the bit to do both, holding on to the tiniest of sparks in need of ignition. Would it be easier to remain alone, never touching another man? Hell yeah but nowhere near as delicious as this learning curve. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/compassion-matters/201704/are-you-the-pursuer-or-the-distancer-in-your-relationship