Getting into the Christmas spirit..I mean wine, I'm getting into the wine.

How to render oneself homebound in one easy lesson; listen to everyone telling you to have just one more, stay out just a little longer because IT'S CHRISTMAS!! I hereby give permission to shout a resounding "NO" during this season of goodwill and the giving of spirit. Why are we expected to be happy and moreover why do we do ourselves in to put on a merry cheer this time of year? I'm really not in the mood, too exhausted and unwell, that surely is good enough...one would think given the joy of presence..oh wait, it's presents, isn't it? That's where I've got it all wrong, I'm not giving enough so I am persuaded to keep going until I do. I'll see you on the other side.

M.E. life on the rocks.

The reality most people don't see, don't understand or believe. Another friend died this past week...M.E. is a killer but hey, we look well when you see us don't we!! Some days, weeks or years are better than others, the summer is better than winter for me but most of my time is spent in my pj's in bed or on the settee feeling wretched in pain with temperature fluctuations, sensory, digestive, neuro problems ranging from crushing head and body aches to tooth and joint sensitivity and toes that have a cramping mind of their own bending in directions I didn't think they could. I rarely talk about how I feel, preferring instead to make the most of what I have, what I can do and enjoying my time with family and friends when I'm with them. Also preferring not to be judged by what people (mistakenly) think M.E. is and is not. This particular journey began around 10 years ago for me. After 10 years (not including the trauma of childhood abuse but yet an extension of) of extreme, and I mean extreme stress and anxiety without reprieve due to domestic violence where the ante was upped considerably after I ended the relationship, I fell ill with glandular fever. During that time the stress continued, my health deteriorated slowly, exhausted all the time yet unable to sleep or relax, in a very hyper state as if my nervous system was working over time. Then came the car accident, a spectacular head-on collision where the other driver speedily careered around the corner on the right hand side of the road. My injuries eventually healed as best they could but I was left with all over pain, fatigue and weakness. I was diagnosed and thrown in the controversial CFS/ME bin when all blood, urine tests and scans showed little to identify as anything else. My iron level was topped up to be replaced with other deficiencies over time and yet despite much privately funded research (the government isn't particularly interested even though thousands of us have been diagnosed) providing physical evidence of body and tissue damage, abnormalities with cells, inflammation of the brain and central nervous system the only treatment we are offered is cognitive therapy and a graded exercise therapy that most people find counterproductive, deteriorated health shown in studies conducted to examine the impact. Other treatments include anti-depressants, painkillers and a varied mix of nutrients, sleep and digestive aids. Any new symptoms are often dismissed as part of the illness as our health declines over the years, 10 years fewer life expectancy can be looked forward to on average, less for some. We are not permitted to donate blood or organs yet we are thought of as having a mental illness. There is much co-morbidity, depression and anxiety are common as people are isolated and mistreated. Heart conditions and other organ failures amongst the more severely affected and lives taken due to too much life being stolen, sometimes from very young ages having had no life outside the home for decades. I am fortunate, if luck has anything to do with anything, that I am considered moderate. I have no idea what the future holds in terms of health which is why I focus on what I have and what I can do while I can. Living alone and as independent as I possibly can (a personal choice for various reasons I won't divulge here), pacing myself as I would if to maintain a physically healthier existence is impossible for my soul to survive. I'm whats coined in the M.E. world as a boom and bust MEep...I push to my limits then crash to the depths. You will only ever see me at my best where, if any of this is in the mind, I am pretending to be better than I feel, convincing you and me that I am well and living a 'normal' life just like you if only to feel part of that world you inhabit for a while. The next day or the day after, sometimes longer but less so as time passes by I am reminded that I can convince nobody least of all myself that my life is anything but cocooned in a body that doesn't play ball to my will. If I can not let my mind at least fly then I too would die.

Happy birthday, narcissistic misgivings.

On the surface, it appears lovely, a mother who loves and understands her daughter until knowing the reality of course. I used to get lots of love and kisses in my cards, now I'm not doing what she wants, now I'm not biting or rising to her demands and not seeing her I get this. I am grateful at least that she uses my given name, my favoured name at last. For once, I actually feel sorry for her..the second time in my life. I realized as I was skimming over the ungenuine sentiment of this card how I know she'd really rather not send one at all. I've witnessed this struggle in her with other relatives that she'd prefer not to send cards but does so because being thought of as uncaring or bad in some way is harder for her to deal with. I send her cards since deciding to have no physical contact because I want to, I can love her better from a distance without all the projections and button pushing, without feeling so angry with her as she constantly aggravates deliberately to feel superior or whatever nonsense she believes she's achieved. Putting myself in her shoes, I am glad to be in a position where I am free to make these decisions without any concern for what other people might think of me. She's trapped by her own insecurities and fear. That used to be me, the internal struggle she kindly passed on but this apple fell much further than her grasp. This apple has ripened and grown into a more compassionate and understanding tree. That must really piss her off, shine on her like a razor light cutting through to the core of her grief. That, I feel incredibly sad about.

The universe is listening.

I had one of those delicious serendipitous moments yesterday, sat alone pondering over a relationship that's not what I want, bringing me down by the other person's weight of judgement and fretting and that I'd rather have the brief but tasty affair from 5 years ago as it was so very much easier, lighter when someone with the very same name spoke and invited me to sit with him as he was hogging the outdoor heating. Our conversation was the smoothest I'd ever experienced, our mutual openness and honesty were very clear and refreshing. He reminded me of who I am, my value as an intelligent, vibrant, open-minded, authentic and curious person..a rarity rather than peculiarity, he assured. Time flew by as we just talked, laughed and learned so much about each other. Nothing romantic, just friends..he knows more about me in that short time than the person I'm not happy with who's 'known' me for 6 years. Sometimes we have to go the wrong way to find our way back.

Message in a bottle.

I have a memory of you, so vivid, so visceral and yet I know you hardly at all. Recalling words shared, the laughter had, the way we touched, so raw it sways me still. I want to know you now, to see you, to realize if what I felt then has lasted somehow. Was it purely a fleeting moment in time I hold fast, or part of my past I need to put behind. You woke my bind from years of stolen slumber with your unhinging, unknowing need. But sweet unfinished business, my March dream, that's what you are and remain to me.

Stuck in the middle with you.

I've often posterized over the centre ground in politics..is it middle of the road thinking? Taking no particular stance? Passively appeasing the elite whilst throwing crumbs at the disquieted peasants? If the centre ground is taking a position whereby there are greater shares of the spoils, which would seem more central than centrists politicize then Corbyn is our man. He's hardly hard left as speculated. We are not going to rid ourselves of the life destructive capitalism of our age in one massive leap of faith...change takes time and shifting people has to be done gently but which way that shift swings depends on where we stand at the time. With UK politics swung harder to the right of late anything centre of that is going to seem radical but compared to the left of the past or other left leaning countries, it's pretty much a centre playing field. Of course, anything 'taken' from the greedy elite is going to be protested heavily...why, after all, should they provide for all those they have deprived?

So we can look at the middle classes, would they be in that centrist position, kinda wanting more for the poorest but so long as it doesn't take anything from their pockets, kinda wanting a bigger slice of the elitist pie because, let's face it, being up there in a lofty somewhere is significantly more desirable than being all the way down there where the nouveau riche had its origins and certainly don't want those roots planting them firmly in the lower classes again or wanting to stay exactly where they are? The trouble with centrist policies is it's not those at either end who are left out of the discussion, it's those in the disregarded heap at the bottom who are left to fend for themselves, those at the top will always be all right. The biggest question is, is there really such a thing as centrist politics? How can there be equality, social justice and cooperation between those who want it all and those who have too little? The centrist ground is still almost everything for the top 1-10% and perhaps just about enough for the poorest larger % depending if the centrists prop up the right or the left...opportunists maybe? The left under Corbyn has not promised an extreme influx of money flowing to the bottom but rather a public movement of social conciseness to redress the growing imbalance of the neoliberal capitalism of the further right the better right wing who will take as much as we permit them to continue taking. Centrists ground hardly stirs up echoes of the age old revolutionary stance we desperately need to take back the billions of lives lost to greed, corruption and polarized politics between the centre and the right. Pic source: https://metro.co.uk/2018/09/17/where-has-the-centre-ground-in-politics-gone-7950550/

Socialism and it's inevitable destruction of common sense.

I witness the abuse daily. The insults I encounter for being a left wing socialist supporting Jeremy Corbyn are as colourful as numerous. I don't rise to the bait, understanding this provocation is just what they want as evidence of a hard left militant rising. I can't help but reply with sarcasm at times when the insults are so ludicrous to know even where to being in addressing the givers beliefs. For some bizarre reason, being a socialist is something not to take seriously, like a save the planet woolly jumper vegetarian hippy flower wearing flip flopping marijuana toker is considered a source of ambivalence, harmless yet of no real use to society...and yet, without socialism this society we currently live in, the wealth, health and comfort of the many who have done well from previous years simply wouldn't exist. The short sightedness and gullibility of people willfully following the right wing, red, blue or yellow is what we need to be wary of, the bloody corruption of the elitist right wing is what we need to be in fear of, and Corbyn? The only man who consistently and relentlessly despite the constant abuse supports the 'ordinary' people, speaks for the people, fights for the people, justice, democracy, equality, transparency, working with what is considered terrorists to bring about unilateral peace? Yeah, we should be very scared of him. 　

In retrograde advance.

I think the heat must be affecting people's heads..literally just sorted one less than casual casual relationship out, restoring peace in my life when another completely out of the blue sends a message stating they "really want to"

see me again. It's been a good four years since that short sweet affair...although very youthful and tasty as it was, not sure I want to get back on that merry-go-round, I'm not sure I don't. What a summer this is turning out to be. Can hardly wait to see what turns up next. 😂

When the past comes knocking.

A dose of another's reality to cure all that ails when ails have haunted a fortnight away. Clarity of mind grown from the other's misjudged insight, an age old resurgence of attributed blame where blame was only a partial segment of the whole comes pushing through the door long held tightly closed and, woa..this conflicting journey has come to a thumping halt, time to settle in and bear witness to the reality that is mine, the truth I would tell should someone have an ear to listen, a care to understand the wildly different picture to which they believe they know. That "thing" I had for the one I fooled around and fell in a mess of delicious confusion, the something that took me by the hand I willingly followed was, it could appear, the rabbit hole I ceremoniously draw myself toward....a reminder of swallowed wounds not yet healed. Split apart I sit in wallowed necessity, a luxury I can afford, a whole I need to regain within. Another journey awaits...I'm steadied enough.

I fooled around and fell in love.

Got me into a whole heap of lacking appetite and deprived sleep. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DyMMEmwFQUE

Turner's The decline of the Carthaginian empire on Dr Martens 8 hole...these boots are made for walking.

Time to walk away while the going is good...while my heart can stand up to the rejection, while my eyes still gaze upward, taken on the wings of birds, while I still smile and laugh with abandon ease but primarily...primarily before I fall too deep as deeper is where I'm heading. Unrequited isn't an option I pack for my journey.

Love is a choice.

Walk a lifetime in my shoes then tell me, who would you be now? Would you have survived, evolved stronger and with love in your heart from the angry ashes of a lost life, a life stolen at conception? I have. I felt the grief masked by my anger and choose to live with compassion and understanding.

A smile is worth a thousand pictures.

Yet again, I have a "beautiful smile". It certainly seems to attract. The crux, as always...we shall see this time around, the rest of me.

Haters gonna hate.

'Labour chiefs believe the party's nationalisation plans and proposals to tackle dirty money in the City are likely to attract challenges'..no shit, they're on the ball with that one. The whole battle against Corbyn has been because the corrupters want to continue corrupting and have greater freedom to do so, not less. Corbyn has threatened them and they will stop at nothing to bring him down..which, amazingly because of all the right wing propaganda, has attracted greater support rather than dimish. People have had enough of the greed, the corruption, the trickle down equating to pissing on the plebs whilst the rich get richer..do they really think we are stupid? Sadly, they would be right about the turkeys who vote for Christmas but they are a dying breed it seems. The time is coming for change...not so radical and definitely not so left as the further right than right would have us believe from their radical perspective, but a swing in that direction at least and one, hopefully, will gain traction as people begin to feel empowered..I'd say again but not sure how empowered we've ever been in reality. Democracy is an illusion until we fully take the reigns (yes, I do mean reigns ;) ), after all. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/labour-party-policies-tax-jeremy-corbyn-city-london-lawyers-corruption-a8463856.html?amp

You can't always have what you want but if you try sometime you find you get what you need.

I wonder if I only want what I can't have. The friend I've spoken of who I spent a couple of nights together sent all my panic buttons off when he contacted me so of course, I pushed him away in my own strange ways then, growing up I communicated what I was doing as I didn't want to do that with him, both of us deserved better...via text as face to face was proving difficult without making a date to talk, too heavy even for me, and I hate talking on the phone so not quite as grown up as I'd prefer but the best for me at the time...and he thought that perhaps we shouldn't sleep together again to which I was already inclined to agree as I'd had similar thoughts after the first night in fact although I spent another and would have spent another if he asked because it felt easy, comfortable, right. Since, I've seen him about three times this week already, once after I'd hesitated texting him suggesting a drink and sat there wishing I had when it was too late as I was no longer alone, he showed up as if he could hear my thoughts and I felt really happy he had, glowing in my reconnection with the universe, my faith that life is all connected and all well, something I've been reluctant to trust for a long time, a time when my trust betrayed me. We are still good enough friends, fairly relaxed, although my anxiety is high when I first see him as it always is with anyone I spend the night with regardless of whether I want to see them again or not, plenty in common and I'm discovering we have lots more in common than I realized without any feeling that he's just saying what he thinks I'd like to hear as I've not said anything to lead that conversation, holding my cards close to my chest, and having spent time with my son, his partner and this friend who was out at the same place and time as us, this keeps happening lately and unexpectedly, and how easy, there's that word again, it all is, I'm finding that I'm not able to stop thinking about him, he's on my mind all the time and I long to spend some one on one time with him again, just me and him talking about what we've not really talked about in person. I won't initiate this, however, that's a definite no go area just now...as much as I long I also dread...the last thing I want is for this to be just what I want after all. I have no idea what he's thinking, he regards me as a friend, enjoys my company and wants that to continue, as do I..his friendship is more important to me than any relationship that could ruin that. I'm perplexed, is my interest growing the more he doesn't want that time with me or the more he does as it has been him only asking to meet for a drink? I'm not sure I've ever been so connected with someone and not at the same time, alarm bells usually ring when it's not right not when it is, and this feels right and so very wrong at the same time too...perhaps because I'm not used to this, this being..I'm unsure what it is but I'm certainly used to the confusion of myself. The irony is that I've been telling him that slow and steady wins the race and here I am in a hurry to have the answers. and excited to wait for something slow and steady, regardless of what shape that takes. Just by writing this down I have butterflies flitting around my body like a teen on heat ready for her first true love. What's wrong with me, I'm never this, lots of other weird but never this? The excruciating very big what is, indubitabley, what if he doesn't feel the same, assuming of course that what I feel is something akin to love..or liking a lot at least, let's not be too presumptious here? :/

Noam Chomsky - Best Speech In 2018

We've been Trumped.

It's hard to believe Trump does or says anything with intent, with any intelligent thought but the very fact that he is given a platform for acting on his tiny minded and screwed up belief system is unleashing those who are like minded, given them legitimacy in their irrational, ignorant ill thought out ability to processes what is happening in the world. The far right are the first to deny the far right exists and yet there they are, plain for anyone with eyes open to see spreading their nonsense, creating the division and fear they claim to be combating. It's a mind f@ck and these people have to be put into a space that fits the size of the mentally capacity until they have the ability to expand their understanding of reality...and let's be honest, that leaves a vast scope for improvement yet here we are with Theresa May courting a lunatic, permitting him to hold her hand, passively being undermined, patronized revealing her less than strong and stable self..which, of course, was always a joke as she wobbles on dog eared determined to be made a fool of at her every turn, and boy does she turn. I can almost feel sorry for her..almost, as she upholds an elitist boys club parading as a grown up establishment believing she is a prime advocate for women. Erm, no, I don't think so, Mrs May. Any strong and stable woman would not be allowing a Trumped up frat boy to slide his tiny hands into theirs let alone provide a red carpet for him to swan his slimy arse up. No, we must wake up and resist any temptation to be ununified by being distracted by a baby blimp representing a man with extremely dangerous delusions.

Assumptions make an ass out of you and me.

I've just had a moment of clarity...it happens from time to time. It's the assumptions that make me act crazy, or rather my anxiety when someone assumes I'm doing something I'm not. When people don't clarify, ask or trust when I say what's going on for me or what I want...those times I actually know what I want. The relentless urge to communicate with them, to know what they are thinking so I can put them right is what I need to let go of. Their faulty thinking is their problem, not mine. For too long those assumptions, projections of another's messed up mind have had a hugely detrimental impact on my life. My family relationships, as well as my relationship with myself, were ruined by my mother's convicted view of me, and my children's lives have been confused by one of their father's sadistic delight in not only sharing his twisted view of me but setting up situations to make him appear correct, so it can and does have serious implications and at those times things have to be put right but when it doesn't matter, when other's judge instead of ask and trust, especially after doing the legwork and clarifying what they are thinking and letting them know whether they are correct in their assumptions or not, I need to walk away. Why would we want to have close connections with people who perpetually assume, judge and taint us with their blackened used up brushes? The answer is probably one of familiarity but with greater understanding comes freedom. And I understand..... ....and I ain't no ass. ;) xxx

Reflections of a past seeping into the present.

I'm observing myself in relation to relationships and finding myself quite nuts. There's a guy I've known for a few years who's shown an interest. We've spent a couple of nights together and it's nice, easy but I'm not in love or think we are compatible although not overly sure as I don't know him well enough yet. By not compatible I mean I don't think he would cope with the way I am and I'm not having another relationship where all I get is criticism, judgement and fixing solutions. I did have THAT conversation with him about what was going on between us and felt assured and happy by his conviction we'd remain friends no matter which way our relationship went, whether friends with benefits or exclusive relationship and he had no issue if I were to meet someone else. So while I'm thinking that I probably won't spend the night again, it wasn't the best I've had and I didn't feel particularly turned on, but mostly because I'm starting to feel too close for comfort. I also find myself imagining an exclusive relationship with him and it feels familiar, warm, relaxed and loving, kinda. Today, after seeing him yesterday randomly out and about and he seemed relaxed in my company if a little distant (that could have been my overactive imagination) and I seemed to be saying everything to let him know indirectly I'm not sure I can do the monogamous long term relationship scene with anyone he then as we were parting company asks me where I was going as if, I assumed, he was about to ask me back to his so I asked if he wanted me to go home with him..he replied "no" as he had a lot of work today, I am now wanting to distance myself, as if I've not enough already and eager to let him know that I'm doing that which of course would require me to connect with him. I'm aware of a strong need to save face, play it cool as if him saying "no" is a rejection of me, who I am but I'm not fazed by that, I'm not that insecure..and I'm not, not really, not in my adult brain at least, and yet reminding myself that I wasn't going to spend the night again anyway even though if he'd said "yes" I probably would have. All my relationships have been a push and pull game, something I didn't understand so well as I do now but still, I don't know if I'm coming or going...do I want him or don't I? Who the hell am I right now? Have I pushed him away and is that what I really want? I know who I am when there's no love interest but as soon as there is I'm gone, in a dense spicy pickle that both tastes delicious and sour at the same time. More than anything I want him, or someone to show an interest in me and my life with the added condiment. To be willing to understand why I am the way I am and not just bolt when I push them away. Most people I know don't understand so talking about such things as my creative and similtanious distructive love life with them only makes me look more peculiar than they already think I am. How does anyone survive the narcissistic maternal abuse and have healthy relationships when never having experienced healthy relationships to know what they look and feel like? Will I ever stop heading straight for nutsville everytime I'm interested in someone..or even when I'm not but going with the flow when they are if it feels alright for now at least? Am I expecting too much to want someone to stop and ask me what's going on when I send all the signals for them to distance themselves, do people do that or have I watched too many impossibly romantic films? I do that when I care enough about the person pushing me away but apparently, I'm peculiar :/

ME awareness.

Awareness month in my life with M.E. and CPTSD comorbidity is a conflicting slutty story. From the outside, I will appear calm, healthy if reserved and guarded whilst I laugh readily and freely in the company of life. What you won't see is the inner struggle, fire and brimstone, the waged war inflicted on what feels like every cell in my body and mind. One condition desires to be resting, in my hard, fought for sanctuary I at last call home, peacefully relaxed and looked after while the other is screaming and clawing to be let out, to run, fly and be independently free of any constraints and rules. What you won't see is how I, my mind loves every part of my body and my body responding to my mind. My constant work is to consolidate the two, to bring togetherness and harmonious cooperation so I might find peace within myself and so I might someday let someone in to keep warm by the fire of my soul which is excited to have you near. What you won't see until then is the outer lustful dance, the stimulated engagement of every cell in my body and mind. In this month of awareness, I am more than aware. The awareness is not for us, the afflicted, it is for you who look on unknowingly. So with this, I share just a part of my tale. The rest will come to those who dare to seek for M.E. is not for the faint of heart and CPTSD not for the narrow mind. ;)