Assumptions make an ass out of you and me.

I've just had a moment of clarity...it happens from time to time. It's the assumptions that make me act crazy, or rather my anxiety when someone assumes I'm doing something I'm not. When people don't clarify, ask or trust when I say what's going on for me or what I want...those times I actually know what I want. The relentless urge to communicate with them, to know what they are thinking so I can put them right is what I need to let go of. Their faulty thinking is their problem, not mine. For too long those assumptions, projections of another's messed up mind have had a hugely detrimental impact on my life. My family relationships, as well as my relationship with myself, were ruined by my mother's convicted view of me, and my children's lives have been confused by one of their father's sadistic delight in not only sharing his twisted view of me but setting up situations to make him appear correct, so it can and does have serious implications and at those times things have to be put right but when it doesn't matter, when other's judge instead of ask and trust, especially after doing the legwork and clarifying what they are thinking and letting them know whether they are correct in their assumptions or not, I need to walk away. Why would we want to have close connections with people who perpetually assume, judge and taint us with their blackened used up brushes? The answer is probably one of familiarity but with greater understanding comes freedom. And I understand..... ....and I ain't no ass. ;) xxx

Reflections of a past seeping into the present.

I'm observing myself in relation to relationships and finding myself quite nuts. There's a guy I've known for a few years who's shown an interest. We've spent a couple of nights together and it's nice, easy but I'm not in love or think we are compatible although not overly sure as I don't know him well enough yet. By not compatible I mean I don't think he would cope with the way I am and I'm not having another relationship where all I get is criticism, judgement and fixing solutions. I did have THAT conversation with him about what was going on between us and felt assured and happy by his conviction we'd remain friends no matter which way our relationship went, whether friends with benefits or exclusive relationship and he had no issue if I were to meet someone else. So while I'm thinking that I probably won't spend the night again, it wasn't the best I've had and I didn't feel particularly turned on, but mostly because I'm starting to feel too close for comfort. I also find myself imagining an exclusive relationship with him and it feels familiar, warm, relaxed and loving, kinda. Today, after seeing him yesterday randomly out and about and he seemed relaxed in my company if a little distant (that could have been my overactive imagination) and I seemed to be saying everything to let him know indirectly I'm not sure I can do the monogamous long term relationship scene with anyone he then as we were parting company asks me where I was going as if, I assumed, he was about to ask me back to his so I asked if he wanted me to go home with him..he replied "no" as he had a lot of work today, I am now wanting to distance myself, as if I've not enough already and eager to let him know that I'm doing that which of course would require me to connect with him. I'm aware of a strong need to save face, play it cool as if him saying "no" is a rejection of me, who I am but I'm not fazed by that, I'm not that insecure..and I'm not, not really, not in my adult brain at least, and yet reminding myself that I wasn't going to spend the night again anyway even though if he'd said "yes" I probably would have. All my relationships have been a push and pull game, something I didn't understand so well as I do now but still, I don't know if I'm coming or going...do I want him or don't I? Who the hell am I right now? Have I pushed him away and is that what I really want? I know who I am when there's no love interest but as soon as there is I'm gone, in a dense spicy pickle that both tastes delicious and sour at the same time. More than anything I want him, or someone to show an interest in me and my life with the added condiment. To be willing to understand why I am the way I am and not just bolt when I push them away. Most people I know don't understand so talking about such things as my creative and similtanious distructive love life with them only makes me look more peculiar than they already think I am. How does anyone survive the narcissistic maternal abuse and have healthy relationships when never having experienced healthy relationships to know what they look and feel like? Will I ever stop heading straight for nutsville everytime I'm interested in someone..or even when I'm not but going with the flow when they are if it feels alright for now at least? Am I expecting too much to want someone to stop and ask me what's going on when I send all the signals for them to distance themselves, do people do that or have I watched too many impossibly romantic films? I do that when I care enough about the person pushing me away but apparently, I'm peculiar :/