You can't always have what you want but if you try sometime you find you get what you need.

I wonder if I only want what I can't have. The friend I've spoken of who I spent a couple of nights together sent all my panic buttons off when he contacted me so of course, I pushed him away in my own strange ways then, growing up I communicated what I was doing as I didn't want to do that with him, both of us deserved better...via text as face to face was proving difficult without making a date to talk, too heavy even for me, and I hate talking on the phone so not quite as grown up as I'd prefer but the best for me at the time...and he thought that perhaps we shouldn't sleep together again to which I was already inclined to agree as I'd had similar thoughts after the first night in fact although I spent another and would have spent another if he asked because it felt easy, comfortable, right. Since, I've seen him about three times this week already, once after I'd hesitated texting him suggesting a drink and sat there wishing I had when it was too late as I was no longer alone, he showed up as if he could hear my thoughts and I felt really happy he had, glowing in my reconnection with the universe, my faith that life is all connected and all well, something I've been reluctant to trust for a long time, a time when my trust betrayed me. We are still good enough friends, fairly relaxed, although my anxiety is high when I first see him as it always is with anyone I spend the night with regardless of whether I want to see them again or not, plenty in common and I'm discovering we have lots more in common than I realized without any feeling that he's just saying what he thinks I'd like to hear as I've not said anything to lead that conversation, holding my cards close to my chest, and having spent time with my son, his partner and this friend who was out at the same place and time as us, this keeps happening lately and unexpectedly, and how easy, there's that word again, it all is, I'm finding that I'm not able to stop thinking about him, he's on my mind all the time and I long to spend some one on one time with him again, just me and him talking about what we've not really talked about in person. I won't initiate this, however, that's a definite no go area just now...as much as I long I also dread...the last thing I want is for this to be just what I want after all. I have no idea what he's thinking, he regards me as a friend, enjoys my company and wants that to continue, as do I..his friendship is more important to me than any relationship that could ruin that. I'm perplexed, is my interest growing the more he doesn't want that time with me or the more he does as it has been him only asking to meet for a drink? I'm not sure I've ever been so connected with someone and not at the same time, alarm bells usually ring when it's not right not when it is, and this feels right and so very wrong at the same time too...perhaps because I'm not used to this, this being..I'm unsure what it is but I'm certainly used to the confusion of myself. The irony is that I've been telling him that slow and steady wins the race and here I am in a hurry to have the answers. and excited to wait for something slow and steady, regardless of what shape that takes. Just by writing this down I have butterflies flitting around my body like a teen on heat ready for her first true love. What's wrong with me, I'm never this, lots of other weird but never this? The excruciating very big what is, indubitabley, what if he doesn't feel the same, assuming of course that what I feel is something akin to love..or liking a lot at least, let's not be too presumptious here? :/