If I could do it all again....

I appreciate I may come across as rather self centred with my words regarding my troubled relationship patterns...in all honesty, without being able to not only write down what's going on for me but push my words out into the world I'm not sure I'd cope in isolation with nothing but my journal and books for learned comfort. This is an incredible journey for me and one, whilst holding on by a thread at times like today, is one I do not regret...although still no idea how being around personal reminders triggering all manner of anxiety, dread, the heartache that comes from a past full of trauma is going to work out. I'm confident now my addiction is the stress that comes from attaching myself to the distant and unavailable..a repeated pattern from childhood living in a very dramatic household. Always a very good reason for not succeeding in what I want to do outside of my family, my adult offspring.

Turning the clocks back, I'd not do all I have again even in recognition that I wouldn't be where I am now without that torture. Did I consciously choose the unplanned father of my daughter who, along with my defiance giving him drive to control at all costs leading to more than 20 years of my life battling, life lost? Of course, I didn't but I did choose the relationship with him nonetheless as I did this lastest conflicting desire with eyes openly reckless. I pushed beyond my means to complete a degree amongst the war that ensued, means enough to damage my body as I waded through a sea of stress dragging me in deeper with no rescue. I didn't also choose to have someone crash head-on into my car when my client didn't turn up and I left work early providing the exact time and place for the turn in my life that meant giving up all I'd worked for, giving instead time and energy to continue healing my family. It does give me pause to question how this universe works...did I unconsciously send out the signals that my fear of success needed a valid reason to halt the progress I was speedily making? Or did I need that stopped to focus on my direction? And now, the paths I have chosen bringing me right back to improving health with an aim to return to some kind of meaningful work I am rapped in thoughts of not being good enough, another excuse for not succeeding whilst knowing full well I am capable of achieving what I want with the determination that has got me thus far. Why the fear of success? Enter one mother who vehemently trampled out any ideas of "being too clever for my own good" and simultaneously using my grades as an extension of her own worthiness then to add to the confused mess would both abuse my abilities and ridicule me for having them. I became frozen, learned to hide what I knew, feared rejection from others for their feeling intimidated which led to me living up to those expectations and looked down upon anyone too stupid to understand what came so easily for me. Yes, I was obnoxious, it enabled me to maintain my distance, nobody was good enough. An upside down self alienation attaching myself to the not good enough as if to prove my point. I've no one to blame for this bizarre style of coping, not even myself. It's only with hindsight, a willingness and one someone who I still have no idea is a friend or foe having the courage to tell me how I am.

The very challenge I've sought in someone as I challenge another with the directness of what I witness in them. To find and to lose...has this been another fear of success spinning me out of control or another someone not good enough for me? Patiently agonising time, action and conversation will tell. In the meantime, left fumbling alone I am in search of where to direct and expand my capabilities. I have no desire to be perfect, another trait learned and lost to necessity, just good enough to feel satisfied for having faced another, perhaps the ultimate fear with the same gusto bringing me home to my authentic self. Shedding the shackles link by link, chinks in the chain having left their scars as reminders of the fight not quite yet won but well fought, I know I have the biggest hurdle ahead...I look forward with trepidation and cautious excitement, the past's theft of all I gained at the point of winning rumbles still in my unfed belly.