Proximate depths.

In anxious impatience, I sought to hasten my way...slowed down, emptied mind to let be what is. The dark alley my thoughts wander when exhausted in self denying isolation trapped by dread of existing in dream, a falsehood in desperate attempt to hold dear ambition of life lived in nurtured partnership.

Is this the reality I seek to escape or the lie I prepare for valid disconnection? I've lost grasp of what I run in running so long the path is worn bare, stony underfoot toppling pace. There's no going back, no view ahead with disillusionment once an eye opened. No end to pain, a cycle of hurt of my own creation whether halted or without break. Self flagellation, masochistic embrace for what do I deserve? What wrongdoing was so great that a lifetime spent in punishment is my lot?

The rift I must cross, waken to a life fully touched is first met with death, distance from despair, from past, the proximity of a once lucid dream just out of reach. Promised friendship will be inclined along truthful lines of connection, communication spewing, struck by surprised engulfment, unexpected, unbleached adoration, despisement...both in one kiss. Indefinte measure and expance will reimburse the loss of absconded lust, reshape this kinship somehow. Once a pledge made, long is kept as such a gift is ever given in full confidence of ability, assuredness of want.