Stepping into the abyss

It's been four weeks since I walked myself into harm's way, not put unnecessarily in positions of tension or remained because of another's dependency, and avoid troublesome conflict, abandonment by revealing how I feel to people who take personally my not trusting the untrustworthiness they present. As they save their fragile self from exposure of frightened reality hidden safely behind blockades of angry torment, instead tarnishing me the unreasonable, the hateful they deny as they hold themselves in check, the victim, not the harm they inflict in avoidance of direct truth. If I'd known what the other side of the black hole of sinking dread held, that I've feared, remained close to the edge, never falling since my husband, protector left me holding the baby in dilapidated dwelling with no money or means to fix, vulnerable once again to my mother and brother's impenetrable control, I'd have jumped a thousand times and a thousand times more. Never dared take that step into the abyss since a naive yet with much instinctual wisdom doubted 21 year old who'd not yet discovered how much she could do alone, how brave she was to be able to walk away despite repercussions and come out clearer in mind each time she was met with atrocity, each time I met atrocity halfway.

Not the barbed metal jacket laden down with all I've ever done to deserve hell's piercing cold impervious to pleads of innocence never to let me rise into the silver encompassing warmth of sunlight, to breathe in again the scented grass of barefooted freedom, light with dance and glow of aura welcoming a connected companion to grow. No more the trauma demanding I lay awake in panic to face the bleak dark of night, fearful the day of losing all I have shall surely arrive now as I find my sanctuary, my home, my heart at peace at last. I sleep the sleep of being cared for, loved, to wake rested in mind to live another day with all credibility of life honestly lived. I ache in damaged body as I celebrate with those I independently choose to be in the company, my family full of the vitality of youth eagerly moving into a world of naive hope all will be well, scared it won't, our innermost selves shared with knowledge we will not be rejected but instead held near and understood as best we can. The other side is not what I'd learned to expect from a troubled, dysfunctional past but the getting here was met with post triggered by present wrath, that flagellation had first to be endured, felt and bloody scars sewed, skin softened in readiness for genuine friends yet to find in flesh. When we dare to turn and face the shadows we shy away, our reality, we shall surely find ourselves amongst the rabble, stood out like the gems we enviously see in others as we never dare let shine in ourselves. Let them be jealous, I say, stop hiding to save another from the self they too wish they were. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger? Not exactly. What doesn't kill us teaches us we can overcome terrific loss at a price. My price has been my health and financial security. My reward; knowing I was right to trust myself all along, a gift I promise never to deny my offspring and their pending families as my mother did mine. Won't you come on in? ;) Image may contain: possible text that says '"The shadow is a tight passage, a narrow door, whose painful constriction no one is spared who goes down to the deep well." Carl Jung'