Be free to live, be alive to love.

Whoever thought the notion of denying, suppressing, repressing emotions makes us strong resilient individuals would have also denied the levels of difficulty, skill and pain acknowledging, experiencing and exploring the thinking behind how we feel in order to have control as opposed to reactionary controlling. After all, if being relaxed with our authentic self was easy we'd all be doing it. An unexpected outcome to no longer running from myself is now being subjected to feeling all my nerve endings on fire waking me in panicked attack each night and causing trembling unrest during the day but, and I say this trepidatiously, I'm becoming more aware of what I need and ready to pace, heal from within as best I can.

No longer a desperately fueled drive to face fears beyond my home, I know my greatest anxiety has been here all along, the toughest challenge now I have no relenting need for acceptance, attention or even love as I give to myself nourishment required for such an arduous endeavour. Trauma comes and goes as I sway back and forth away from people who would trigger stress in me with their passive-aggressive defensive attacks, and forth in facing communication needed for a smoother path until exhausted, realized either connection will or will not happen once I am sure I have given my habitual all as I peel away my own layers of protection strong in the knowledge I have my own back. Reaching acceptance of my needs and understanding theirs although not justifying projected uncertainty left in their wake of doom and disaster muddled with unreasonable deservedness to deny how I feel or their lack of respect and consideration shown. Boundaries redrawn, permeable to the ebb and flow of energy every cell craves to survive. We can't expect to absorb the joys of life when we bury deep our sorrow and stress. Life was never going to be easy and is made far more complicated in pursuit of such. Simplicity comes with a price but one I'd happily pay after too many years with bankruptcy of self in extension of another's terrorised transference. Liberation is responsible existence.