Daddy, I'm home!

It may have been apparent the stress I've been lost under whilst untangling the unravelling of my complex relationship with another as well as myself. Who knew a declaration of love, at last, would open the floodgates to unfelt grief for the father long dead leading to clarity of why I've been unable to let it be known what I want from this person when directly asked. I've been clear as far as I've been able and willing throughout but this block I now understand was fear of him giving me what I ask..I now ask out of fear he won't as he recoils with my every 'no' in defence derived, I suspect from a belief of personal attack. The ball is firmly in his court and as he decides if he wants to bat it to me with the beginnings of revealing what he feels, action, not reaction as I've asked, or not I can rest easier, breathe..I've done my groundwork, faced my fears, now it's his turn if he takes the mantle.

The love declared? No, my darlings..not from him but I. For a year and a half that word directed at him would not come forth, I skirted around whilst feeling the forever tale of angst one feels when loving someone not knowing how they feel in return, knowing their readiness is a long way off if at all. Love being a verb, the way we respect, understand and treat one another.

All I wanted was to come home, I've been on my way and now..yes, now for the first time today feels like a Sunday, my yellow day that embodies family, love, relaxation, warmth, joy and some good nourishing food and drink. The day my dad was often home and my mother cooked the roast and all was well as could be, The day when I could take a break from the beatings and lashings of her tongue as my dad never knew this was the woman he married and I could never tell...he believed her lies to keep the peace and I the innocent scapegoat. He never knew how much that hurt, I did.