Both the heartache and beauty of it all. An irony I have found in relationships is my initial (faulty) belief of not being good enough and determination to be the confident intelligent me I know I am and think they might love but involuntary hide and stifle out of fear of rejection (the mothership battle of all my relationships), I become the person they want at the very point I realise it's was never me who wasn't good enough and perhaps they knew this all along, hence their control and distance? I really need to approach future relationships backwards...once I get over this particular heartache that I'm still uncertain will lead to heartache but the heart is aching in anticipation of what has always been but mostly in the waiting. The anxiety I feel by his procrastination and indirectness is enough for me to walk away but I'm hanging on a while longer in case he's taken my challenge and decides to risk being known as I have with him...all very unexpected for me as I imagine it may be for him also, I don't know, that's the whole point. Part of me wishes he doesn't but mostly I hope he does..either way this is one hell of a journey and I do find joy even in the darkness as the discoveries made here are more revealing than the light that shines when we turn the corner with greater clarity. Real life is never how we picture it to be.
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