When the body says NO.

Happy new year wishes! Breathing a sigh of relief now the madding crowd is dissipating and decorations coming down. I have to say this has been, not quite the worst Christmas and New year eve period but up there with feelings of grief. Pushing back emotions, repressing has been the most damaging in my life and despite the protestations, I believe to be the root cause of illness, my body speaking out where I felt unable. This illness is physical in nature, we know that. We also know emotional triggers can have as much if not worse a detrimental impact as physical exertion. Emotions, as well as physical pain, denied or felt creates a biochemical dance. Suppressed, unfelt, denied, this dance becomes chronic in nature causing havoc with our systems. I fully understand being told our illness could be psychosomatic in origin holds with it accusations of this being our own fault, we are to blame for our bodies natural reactions. Understanding how human bodies function, on the other hand along with conditioning with how we cope with life from childhood, a lot can be made sense of the dangers of repression and the associated chronic stress. If anyone is interested in exploring more thoughts on this with me, I am reading 'When the body says no' by Gabor Maté and finding his discoveries not only fascinating but relatable as well as something known instinctively if not confidently expressed. Prior to being diagnosed with ME I applied for a job with an ME organisation as a telephone helpline assistant and when asked what I thought ME was I responded by explaining the psychosomatic connections I believed to be the root cause. I was offered the job but turned it down on the grounds that I didn't know enough about the illness..ironic that a few years later I'd be on the other end of that helpline as if the desire to understand was taken personally. Perhaps I could have been in the early stages of ME or chronic fatigue and that's what drew me to apply for the job..who knows. Releasing my emotions after 56 years of swallowing them down learned as soon as I could swallow solids feels like torture. Isolating agony yet, paradoxically drawing concern from people I'd not invited in. Those I have sent an invitation have left me alone..my self fulfilling prophecy of being impossible to love coming to fruition whilst at the same time being debunked. I'm a way off crying in front of people out of anything but frustrated anger and I've not done that for years, learning not to take personally what others think and do. But crying I am frequently lately, involuntary leaking as if full to bursting with tears, alone in the home I have arrived for safety. Moments of calm, soothing relaxation coming forth like never before to be jolted back into panicked at the slightest of triggers. One of which spirred me to write this post as a way of both distracting and finding relief from a clearer understanding. A situation I know nothing about but in my overactive triggered imagination is turned into a solicitous affair between the man I love and a woman we both know simply by seeing her walk past my window twice around the same time I would leave his place whenever I stayed and a woman he met with for tax advice in my presence once! It's none of my business, of course, I don't want to be with him with the way he's treated me, I do want him to make the required effort to be with me in friendship, however, and if he's seeing her then he's gone way down in my estimation...but I digress, when sense kicks in after feelings are felt and heart settled down, I recall adult responsibility and wisdom. Prior to such expression of emotion, this process wouldn't have occurred. I'd be eaten up with needing to know what's going on, taking me further away from the resolution I ask and deeper into a very dysfunctional relationship. It's hard to tell which situation is the greater burden, the most destructive to life, health and peace of mind at this conjuncture and wouldn't wonder why denying how we feel would be the preferable route to continue. I'm left in the dark when it comes to the distant people I attached myself but the light is beginning to shine for me, there is a spec, a tiny sliver but enough to keep me on this path I trust will lead to maturity and improved health. That I am relaxing, sensibly pacing..better than I was at least, which wasn't, and finding a picture of how I see my life ahead for me is sign enough the road to recovery is being journeyed. Perhaps not full recovery but enough to live with. My heart is now calmer and thoughts of that woman with him losing its stranglehold although still niggling as I habitually sabotage my peace. Reassurance for the inner child is paramount. May 2020 be the year for more insightful vision. <3