Time moves on without you.

They seem like strangers to me now, those people who've kept far more than six feet yet lay claim to be friends. I walked past without a glance, much to their annoyance as if belonging I seem to them.

What manner of folk thinks when they've not spoke, no utterance of words after mine, when times have been so strange, knowing they've left me adrift I would welcome them as if nothing has changed? I saw value in them, their worth to me great. Perhaps too much I gave credit where in due course misplaced. I don't know who they are but in time, with distance, I have at least learned I'm easily replaced. From doors shut where I left ajar, the light is fading away, another hinge shifts into view the chance to make friends again. One glance, one chance, more interest was shown than all the years I knew them. Slow and steady become my pace where once rushed, in haste, I was lost in every race. I can wait as long as it takes for in catching up with myself I know I shall be met with the worth I see behind their face. It may not be this time or the next, or it might. In shifting perspective I now feel what I knew was alright. He reminds me of them, darker in colour but very much friendlier, and disclosing at first sight. Not a distraction, I've faced the grave and alone moved on, not onto another but resolving my baggage I will not drag or heap onto the other, I am free to explore with caution this time but in hiding no more.

I wasn't born for 1984.

If I was to be completely honest; I let them hold onto me. I've not cared for their methods but their manipulation at least created an illusion of being wanted. I know not loved but needed and valued so long as I gave them the fight they could claim their own victory. I played my part well when walking away, saying nothing would have set me free from hearing their tyrannous scorn if not inevitably seeing the outcome. I knew whichever way I turned, the same would apply. I knew my fight for freedom was with myself to then wake up to a world of much the same war. The same rules that apply the honesty my family portrays in its dishonesty. The awareness of the only freedom I have is in being aware of the role I complete and how I got here. The rest then isn't a simple choice to play or not to play that role but to first understand the consequences when I don't, and instinctively I do, we all do, and then choose to live with or without them but always still a consequence when we do.

I chose to bear the former then because so long as I was in that battle I could divert my eyes from the war. A war I have lived prepared to win my own peace. My family isn't uniquely oppressive, it's a stark but not the starkest reflection of the wider government. I was not unfortunate, I was a result as we all are of the boundaries already set for us, the limitations made of our minds in ruling our lives and our ability to comply or not. I have only set myself free to live with this and identify the characters. The bleakness I see is the colour we all miss when we don't; when we see only the black and white rule book, looking only where the light is shone when what's in the dark is the finding. The shadows hold nothing to fear but in their avoidance, we fear everything and help create a frightening world imprisoning us all. A world we then seek to escape into delusion. And so it goes on. If I was to be completely honest; I'm not sure you can hear me.

Questions of sanity.

I must admit, I do question my sanity at times, you'd be reassured, I'm sure. Ironically, I think, usually after spending some time with 'normals'...the socially acceptable and highly, more highly than I at least, respected. I reach a point of non directed, unearned relaxation, no expectations, no pressure to achieve, or values placed on my person for what I do or don't do, have or not have and life feels attuned...I feel attuned to my nature with the limitations of a lifetime not being attuned has afforded, illness. Then and only briefly now I share time with them and I'm back to thinking I need to do something I can impress with, make plans, delay gratification, get a job when I know any job working for someone else will set my health back by a decade as no job will be flexible enough for me to do, and I can not yet think of anything I can do myself that won't add as much if not more pressure. (My writing is a practice for something but I'm under no lofty illusion I will write a best selling book one day but who knows, maybe someone would buy it if I get around to publishing...and writing it, I have to do that first.) Yet, find me on a beach with someone who believes the earth is flat and landing on the moon was a lie, some other someone who'd joined in with the 'normal' madness and escaped but now has no friends and I feel at ease. The misfits, the weirdos, the peculiars that are too often cast aside for being different...a different kind of different because some differences, so long as relatable I guess are accepted or at best perhaps tolerated. During these times of personal questioning, exploration...too much time on my hands, some would argue...I wonder if I no longer feel attuned because I'm in a position where the 'normal' stuff isn't the right shape for this square peg to fit in, if because it scares the shit out of me because I don't think I'm good enough...another stick to beat us with. Or if it really is shit, inhumane but hey, we all have to partake because...well, because that's what we have to do to get by, survive, right?. Which, of course, us strange folk are also doing and in so doing finding more and more creative ways to escape...but isn't everyone doing that too? I'm scratching my head until it's sore...and I mean literally, I colour my hair with products I've developed an allergy to because to not means I go white and I ain't ready for old, barely had any young that I can speak of without the trials that made my hair turn white early in the first place (no suggestion of products I can use, please, I've tried them and too stubborn to change some things. I won't use this to look for sympathy...those who know me know that's the last look I want to receive.) There's a sort of madness in this. So, back to whether there's insanity in my peculiarly wired brain or not...I did ask an esteemed psychologist once and he assured me I wasn't so sticking with that until proven otherwise, thank you. And no, before you ask, I believe the earth has a curvature and aside from the explanation given to me that NASA (national aeronautics and space administration) is the big lie to reap that vast amounts of money it does, I have no reason to believe man didn't land on the moon. But, what is about spending time with such people that suits me better than the 'normals'? I'll tell you what I think...in their world of strange theories they are quite accepting of other kinds of different, I have found. I don't get drunk with them, I don't feel a need, that being the only way to not feel agitated, left out or board as I drift into nothingness in a dress (frequently all three together), I feel adequately relaxed. We talk about all manner of topics, not just work, relationships, ownership and who said what to who..or is it whom, and who did this that or something other? I wonder if because they've been willing to see what's around them from an alternative perspective, albeit rather questionable and trust me, I do question and carry out research to expand my thinking as well as theirs which they often take on board, especially when they can no longer back up their own assertions, that's a challenge I do quite relish, in all honesty (a philosopher, I don't recall who at this time, once said the truth is found when the answer can no longer be contradicted..I think there's some truth in that) they are content listening to another's point of view and having the expansive debate. And, in keeping with an open mind I shall reserve judgement...the earth may yet turn out to be flat! My sceptical mind doubts that. Too much time on my hands? Well, yeah...that's what happens when who we are isn't afforded a spot on this land to inhabit securely and with health preserved and enough money to make as if ours to keep. I think too much...yup, just like you, we all think all the time it's just that some of us tap into those thoughts and run with them and at other times have learned to let thoughts pass on through uninterrupted, only hearing when they persist on drawing our attention, mostly at night when there's nothing else to hear...why I'm exhausted already today. It's a kind of therapy. I'm not fighting it any longer.

And why not spend more time on personal exploration, development and the relationships we have...the most important aspect of all our lives?!?! I find it incredible that most people don't in such pursuits of happiness and wealth. Perhaps it's the 'normals' who are insane after all, not I. Now, can anyone tell me why I set my alarm for 14.50 today? I don't have a clue...insane? moi? hahaha. 🤪

Making sense of change.

I don't know if I sabotage my happiness but it sure seems that way. I'm easily persuaded to do what I'd not set out, go another's way Or perhaps I need to walk that path to get out of my own obstinate way. Bring myself back to the grief I'm not done with, that refuses to go away. I don't know if I sabotage my unhappiness but it sure seems that way. Happiness is not a permanent state, it comes then again it goes away. The grief won't let go because it's not yet said what it needs to say. Or perhaps I hold on because in happiness I fear all will be stolen away. I think it's both I need to reconcile, to then sleep, to live another day. I don't want to go on like this but I do, it seems to have become my way. Let go the old, welcome the new, the pendulum of change swings both ways. For a while, I dance in between as I head in a different and reasoned way. Life is in permanent flux, yet I strive, I wait to be constant someday. A goal I picked up as I trundled down humanmade highway.

I don't know if I accept my natural state, but it sure doesn't feel that way. I need not beat myself down, this is how I repeatedly stand in my way. The old wasn't wrong, it was a way to get where I am today. The new isn't right, it's as far as I can see toward finding my own way. Free from the bonds of my past, free of another's fear of future's day. I may or may not get there, but I surely will continue along this way. In constant reach of the day my life becomes my own.

Projection anxiety.

I don't mind if you don't understand, I only say what I need. If I trust you I say more, if you're interested I explain. I don't care for being given advice based on what you think you know as if you know me better than I know myself.

As if you've heard what I said when clearly you've not. As if you know my life when you've not been there. There will be things you see that I don't and that's alright, point them out, I can take or leave if I like. Just don't tell me I'm in need when it seems more likely it's you. Don't project onto me what you need to do. If I'm a hypocrite, let me know. I'd hate to think I do the same which irritates us all so. I'm human too, the same as you.

Avoid problems and you'll never be the one who overcame them.

When someone avoids dealing with a situation it invariably falls upon another to take responsibility even when apart. Would I rather be the one who buries her head so I don't have to deal with the fallout when it comes knocking? Hell yeah. For too long I've been left to clean up the mess others leave behind so as to make life easier for themselves. But also invariably, denying there's a problem to be resolved leaves one feeling weak, lonely and constantly frustrated so would I really want to avoid facing difficult situations...no, not at all.

What I would like however is to no longer have dealings with those who avoid even if in close contact I have grown exponentially, ultimately at the other's expense as well as my own as I avoided taking responsibility for my own wellbeing. It's been opportunity that's come knocking, a chance to learn from past mistakes. I'm ready now, no more the need to be the fixer. A need I both instinctively and was asked to take on albeit resentfully for the love of a father. The price has been too high. From now on I shall be expressing an emphatic "no" at first sight of the buck being passed to me. The love paid in return is no love I choose.

Looking only we can see keeps us in darkness.

“Science is a bit like the joke about the drunk who is looking under a lamppost for a key that he has lost on the other side of the street, because that's where the light is. It has no other choice.” ~ Noam Chomsky