She.

The closer this town gets back to 'normal', the unhappier I feel as others are excited for the return of the familiar. Where prior to the lockdown I was used to the noise, busyness and partook in the usual distractions, this time used to consciously not avoid how I feel, I am becoming acutely aware of how unhappy I've been for years, not living here but in living amongst people who I share too little affinity with. This transition is proving much more difficult than I anticipated based on past more successful manoeuvers in another direction.

I forget when hard on myself for not yet finding my own space to flourish, leaving the past where it's meant to be, that the friendships seemingly lost through choices made, where otherwise should friends have been able to deal with their own emotional states and not transfer onto another instead, there would have been no choice to make after thirteen years of close contact, eight years with all the other associated social group. That's a long time spent with people even if at an emotional distance to simply pick myself up and dust myself off. It hurts, it's scary, I'm sad for the loss. I still live here and so do they and this town isn't big enough to get lost in, only to be lost in. I never realised just how frightened they were to be known, as frightened as me I suppose.