Making sense of change.

I don't know if I sabotage my happiness but it sure seems that way. I'm easily persuaded to do what I'd not set out, go another's way Or perhaps I need to walk that path to get out of my own obstinate way. Bring myself back to the grief I'm not done with, that refuses to go away. I don't know if I sabotage my unhappiness but it sure seems that way. Happiness is not a permanent state, it comes then again it goes away. The grief won't let go because it's not yet said what it needs to say. Or perhaps I hold on because in happiness I fear all will be stolen away. I think it's both I need to reconcile, to then sleep, to live another day. I don't want to go on like this but I do, it seems to have become my way. Let go the old, welcome the new, the pendulum of change swings both ways. For a while, I dance in between as I head in a different and reasoned way. Life is in permanent flux, yet I strive, I wait to be constant someday. A goal I picked up as I trundled down humanmade highway.

I don't know if I accept my natural state, but it sure doesn't feel that way. I need not beat myself down, this is how I repeatedly stand in my way. The old wasn't wrong, it was a way to get where I am today. The new isn't right, it's as far as I can see toward finding my own way. Free from the bonds of my past, free of another's fear of future's day. I may or may not get there, but I surely will continue along this way. In constant reach of the day my life becomes my own.