Confidence is found in understanding.

I used to think the more time I spent practising to be confident around people I didn't ordinarily would enable faith in myself to grow. A drive to face the fears that derived from the company of those whom I felt intimidated, insecure and unprotected as if such a push was what I need to motivate. Also enabling me to maintain a safe distance as they would me in emotional disconnection and avoidance. I found comfort there but not community. Only in the cracks of light shining out from behind closed doors did I find common ground. A semblance of home.

I now realise the more time I spend in situations and with people where I can be myself without judgement but instead acceptance and loving challenge, the more confident I feel around those who I don't ordinarily, nor do I wish any longer to be in such close contact with those who seek to undermine anything that makes them feel less confident in themselves. Such self esteem being too fragile to withstand the emotions arising from another's ability or attribute, be they borne of jealousy, resentment, saving of face but ultimately, fear, the emotion too often denied in rejection. As indeed was once mine to bear also. At the moment, I spend most of my time alone. Turns out I'm quite accepting of myself and don't hold back from letting myself know when I'm less than the same toward another. Confidence is not won on a battleground but instead found in understanding.