Questions of sanity.

I must admit, I do question my sanity at times, you'd be reassured, I'm sure. Ironically, I think, usually after spending some time with 'normals'...the socially acceptable and highly, more highly than I at least, respected. I reach a point of non directed, unearned relaxation, no expectations, no pressure to achieve, or values placed on my person for what I do or don't do, have or not have and life feels attuned...I feel attuned to my nature with the limitations of a lifetime not being attuned has afforded, illness. Then and only briefly now I share time with them and I'm back to thinking I need to do something I can impress with, make plans, delay gratification, get a job when I know any job working for someone else will set my health back by a decade as no job will be flexible enough for me to do, and I can not yet think of anything I can do myself that won't add as much if not more pressure. (My writing is a practice for something but I'm under no lofty illusion I will write a best selling book one day but who knows, maybe someone would buy it if I get around to publishing...and writing it, I have to do that first.) Yet, find me on a beach with someone who believes the earth is flat and landing on the moon was a lie, some other someone who'd joined in with the 'normal' madness and escaped but now has no friends and I feel at ease. The misfits, the weirdos, the peculiars that are too often cast aside for being different...a different kind of different because some differences, so long as relatable I guess are accepted or at best perhaps tolerated. During these times of personal questioning, exploration...too much time on my hands, some would argue...I wonder if I no longer feel attuned because I'm in a position where the 'normal' stuff isn't the right shape for this square peg to fit in, if because it scares the shit out of me because I don't think I'm good enough...another stick to beat us with. Or if it really is shit, inhumane but hey, we all have to partake because...well, because that's what we have to do to get by, survive, right?. Which, of course, us strange folk are also doing and in so doing finding more and more creative ways to escape...but isn't everyone doing that too? I'm scratching my head until it's sore...and I mean literally, I colour my hair with products I've developed an allergy to because to not means I go white and I ain't ready for old, barely had any young that I can speak of without the trials that made my hair turn white early in the first place (no suggestion of products I can use, please, I've tried them and too stubborn to change some things. I won't use this to look for sympathy...those who know me know that's the last look I want to receive.) There's a sort of madness in this. So, back to whether there's insanity in my peculiarly wired brain or not...I did ask an esteemed psychologist once and he assured me I wasn't so sticking with that until proven otherwise, thank you. And no, before you ask, I believe the earth has a curvature and aside from the explanation given to me that NASA (national aeronautics and space administration) is the big lie to reap that vast amounts of money it does, I have no reason to believe man didn't land on the moon. But, what is about spending time with such people that suits me better than the 'normals'? I'll tell you what I think...in their world of strange theories they are quite accepting of other kinds of different, I have found. I don't get drunk with them, I don't feel a need, that being the only way to not feel agitated, left out or board as I drift into nothingness in a dress (frequently all three together), I feel adequately relaxed. We talk about all manner of topics, not just work, relationships, ownership and who said what to who..or is it whom, and who did this that or something other? I wonder if because they've been willing to see what's around them from an alternative perspective, albeit rather questionable and trust me, I do question and carry out research to expand my thinking as well as theirs which they often take on board, especially when they can no longer back up their own assertions, that's a challenge I do quite relish, in all honesty (a philosopher, I don't recall who at this time, once said the truth is found when the answer can no longer be contradicted..I think there's some truth in that) they are content listening to another's point of view and having the expansive debate. And, in keeping with an open mind I shall reserve judgement...the earth may yet turn out to be flat! My sceptical mind doubts that. Too much time on my hands? Well, yeah...that's what happens when who we are isn't afforded a spot on this land to inhabit securely and with health preserved and enough money to make as if ours to keep. I think too much...yup, just like you, we all think all the time it's just that some of us tap into those thoughts and run with them and at other times have learned to let thoughts pass on through uninterrupted, only hearing when they persist on drawing our attention, mostly at night when there's nothing else to hear...why I'm exhausted already today. It's a kind of therapy. I'm not fighting it any longer.

And why not spend more time on personal exploration, development and the relationships we have...the most important aspect of all our lives?!?! I find it incredible that most people don't in such pursuits of happiness and wealth. Perhaps it's the 'normals' who are insane after all, not I. Now, can anyone tell me why I set my alarm for 14.50 today? I don't have a clue...insane? moi? hahaha. 🤪