Nirvana - Come As You Are

I realise my more personal posts may come across as seeking some kind of attention, help or the favoured social media hugs generally dished out, and for anyone in need of remaining positive, upbeat an' all that jazz they can feel rather like a downer. Permit me to assure you, they are merely reflections of varied experiences over time all accumulating to where I am in the here and now. The words reach my fingertips and are eager to type out in as poetic a verse as I can muster. I'm perfectly alright with what's deemed not being alright, sad, angry, frustrated, probably more than being happy...happiness being grossly overrated. They'd never be so many great works of art and stories to tell if we were all oh so very joyful most of the time. The world is a crazy place and none more maddening that living amongst the walking dead, the disconnected when all I strive is to be freely connected to my authentic self and thus the environment around me. The pull to play the roles others need in order for them to feel alive are everywhere, it seems actually being alive is an uneasy reminder of another's numbness inside. Our emotions are there to aid us so I let them do what they've gotta do and ride the rollercoaster no matter how frightening and dark. Lately has been more an endurance test than all the years of strife I needed to deal with. Ordinarily, I'd be on the fast track toward my next deflective wrecking ball in avoidance of facing the abyss of this thing called post traumatic stress disorder, once thought the bain of my life with no name but now considered part of my innate self animated. Now, with the road ahead locked down, I am forced to face instead. All manner of therapeutic processes has encouraged me to heal myself in order to slot in with society better, a culture of aesthetically appeasing denial, judgement and non acceptance. I think not. I've found enough of myself to walk through this life in acknowledgement the world of people is not a fair one if nature otherwise intends if intent is the nature of things. I don't expect another to fit into my world but I am walking my own path and that does not need fixing. If anyone cares to walk by my side then you are more than welcome, there may be some trips along the way but I always remain to help us both steady our gait should you wish. I may even take a dip into your pool of emotions but I won't stay so long, it's always past time I came back to my own. Of which is where I began this ramble, the why and wherewithal of this journey I am on. Of soundish body and mind, I declare my life to be favoured by me. I need no pity, sympathy or unsolicited advice even when I'm a hypocrite and offer to you a suggestion or three. Challenge me all you will, I shall surely challenge you back and relish every moment of in depth interaction as much as lighthearted banter and laughter. Mostly, however, I'd like to thank each and every one of you for sticking this adventure out with me in whatever way has suited you. The indomitable they say everything happens for a reason, those reasons I believe are what has occurred adding up to get us to where we are now, not some divine purpose for existing. Whilst no sense may be made at the time, in insightful hindsight, the light is turned on and it is that glow I head toward. Today, with the first refreshing nights of sleep for a two month period had I can again see clearer than I did yesterday. Tomorrow, who knows but for now at least life has my full undivided attention if the chores needing doing don't so much. And so, me maties, come as you are, as you were as I want you to be as a friend, as a friend as an old enemy..........No, I don't have a gun.

Am I there yet?

Outgrown once considered friends fall aside as wiser to their game I get. Overlooked I become forgotten, denigrated, downtrodden. They, it appears, uninterested in rising to the challenge I set. Again, I move on with journey anew alone but unfettered now untethered.

In time rested wounds heal, this day please tell me, am I there yet?

Reclamation of self.

What are these projections you offload on my back? I've not felt myself since you spoke. Yesterday I saw myself, today on myself I choke. My aloneness is not a reflection of your loneliness, my weakness of body not your state of dependency.

Your financial sufficiency does not render mine inadequacy, and your appointed status, not my inferiority. Your denial of you is not my reality but mine is mine to reclaim. Boundaries have been blurred, blindness occurred. I am not what you don't like about you nor am I what you devalue. My self worth is not attached to another's point of view, I give permission only myself to colour my internal milieu.

Lost at sea.

Clinging on to air, I'm unsure where I am, lost in a haze of confusion, uncertainty, exhaustion talking over sanity. My anchor is afloat. Where will I make land?

It begins with simple things, a morning cup of tea, a familiar tune, a book, sight or sound. I hate routine but in safe harbour, I am again found. One foot in front the other, one step at a time I will get to where my feet can stand the ground.

No more the drama.

From one drama to another, that has been the tangled profile dominating my life.

Two parent's needs to be rescued, I the unwilling aid turned victim instead to the victim turned persecutor when needs were unmet. Internalised guilt, always the bad guy, the blame, scapegoated was I.

But neither victim nor persecutor became my identity as it unravelled, nor rescuer but to myself removed from one drama to the other.

The invisible woman.

It's as if I only exist in a fantasy, remove the dream and I disappear.

To err is human.

I would happily give up material comfort to live in a society where kinship was the prevailing structure.