We've been Trumped.

It's hard to believe Trump does or says anything with intent, with any intelligent thought but the very fact that he is given a platform for acting on his tiny minded and screwed up belief system is unleashing those who are like minded, given them legitimacy in their irrational, ignorant ill thought out ability to processes what is happening in the world. The far right are the first to deny the far right exists and yet there they are, plain for anyone with eyes open to see spreading their nonsense, creating the division and fear they claim to be combating. It's a mind f@ck and these people have to be put into a space that fits the size of the mentally capacity until they have the ability to expand their understanding of reality...and let's be honest, that leaves a vast scope for improvement yet here we are with Theresa May courting a lunatic, permitting him to hold her hand, passively being undermined, patronized revealing her less than strong and stable self..which, of course, was always a joke as she wobbles on dog eared determined to be made a fool of at her every turn, and boy does she turn. I can almost feel sorry for her..almost, as she upholds an elitist boys club parading as a grown up establishment believing she is a prime advocate for women. Erm, no, I don't think so, Mrs May. Any strong and stable woman would not be allowing a Trumped up frat boy to slide his tiny hands into theirs let alone provide a red carpet for him to swan his slimy arse up. No, we must wake up and resist any temptation to be ununified by being distracted by a baby blimp representing a man with extremely dangerous delusions.

Assumptions make an ass out of you and me.

I've just had a moment of clarity...it happens from time to time. It's the assumptions that make me act crazy, or rather my anxiety when someone assumes I'm doing something I'm not. When people don't clarify, ask or trust when I say what's going on for me or what I want...those times I actually know what I want. The relentless urge to communicate with them, to know what they are thinking so I can put them right is what I need to let go of. Their faulty thinking is their problem, not mine. For too long those assumptions, projections of another's messed up mind have had a hugely detrimental impact on my life. My family relationships, as well as my relationship with myself, were ruined by my mother's convicted view of me, and my children's lives have been confused by one of their father's sadistic delight in not only sharing his twisted view of me but setting up situations to make him appear correct, so it can and does have serious implications and at those times things have to be put right but when it doesn't matter, when other's judge instead of ask and trust, especially after doing the legwork and clarifying what they are thinking and letting them know whether they are correct in their assumptions or not, I need to walk away. Why would we want to have close connections with people who perpetually assume, judge and taint us with their blackened used up brushes? The answer is probably one of familiarity but with greater understanding comes freedom. And I understand..... ....and I ain't no ass. ;) xxx

Reflections of a past seeping into the present.

I'm observing myself in relation to relationships and finding myself quite nuts. There's a guy I've known for a few years who's shown an interest. We've spent a couple of nights together and it's nice, easy but I'm not in love or think we are compatible although not overly sure as I don't know him well enough yet. By not compatible I mean I don't think he would cope with the way I am and I'm not having another relationship where all I get is criticism, judgement and fixing solutions. I did have THAT conversation with him about what was going on between us and felt assured and happy by his conviction we'd remain friends no matter which way our relationship went, whether friends with benefits or exclusive relationship and he had no issue if I were to meet someone else. So while I'm thinking that I probably won't spend the night again, it wasn't the best I've had and I didn't feel particularly turned on, but mostly because I'm starting to feel too close for comfort. I also find myself imagining an exclusive relationship with him and it feels familiar, warm, relaxed and loving, kinda. Today, after seeing him yesterday randomly out and about and he seemed relaxed in my company if a little distant (that could have been my overactive imagination) and I seemed to be saying everything to let him know indirectly I'm not sure I can do the monogamous long term relationship scene with anyone he then as we were parting company asks me where I was going as if, I assumed, he was about to ask me back to his so I asked if he wanted me to go home with him..he replied "no" as he had a lot of work today, I am now wanting to distance myself, as if I've not enough already and eager to let him know that I'm doing that which of course would require me to connect with him. I'm aware of a strong need to save face, play it cool as if him saying "no" is a rejection of me, who I am but I'm not fazed by that, I'm not that insecure..and I'm not, not really, not in my adult brain at least, and yet reminding myself that I wasn't going to spend the night again anyway even though if he'd said "yes" I probably would have. All my relationships have been a push and pull game, something I didn't understand so well as I do now but still, I don't know if I'm coming or going...do I want him or don't I? Who the hell am I right now? Have I pushed him away and is that what I really want? I know who I am when there's no love interest but as soon as there is I'm gone, in a dense spicy pickle that both tastes delicious and sour at the same time. More than anything I want him, or someone to show an interest in me and my life with the added condiment. To be willing to understand why I am the way I am and not just bolt when I push them away. Most people I know don't understand so talking about such things as my creative and similtanious distructive love life with them only makes me look more peculiar than they already think I am. How does anyone survive the narcissistic maternal abuse and have healthy relationships when never having experienced healthy relationships to know what they look and feel like? Will I ever stop heading straight for nutsville everytime I'm interested in someone..or even when I'm not but going with the flow when they are if it feels alright for now at least? Am I expecting too much to want someone to stop and ask me what's going on when I send all the signals for them to distance themselves, do people do that or have I watched too many impossibly romantic films? I do that when I care enough about the person pushing me away but apparently, I'm peculiar :/

ME awareness.

Awareness month in my life with M.E. and CPTSD comorbidity is a conflicting slutty story. From the outside, I will appear calm, healthy if reserved and guarded whilst I laugh readily and freely in the company of life. What you won't see is the inner struggle, fire and brimstone, the waged war inflicted on what feels like every cell in my body and mind. One condition desires to be resting, in my hard, fought for sanctuary I at last call home, peacefully relaxed and looked after while the other is screaming and clawing to be let out, to run, fly and be independently free of any constraints and rules. What you won't see is how I, my mind loves every part of my body and my body responding to my mind. My constant work is to consolidate the two, to bring togetherness and harmonious cooperation so I might find peace within myself and so I might someday let someone in to keep warm by the fire of my soul which is excited to have you near. What you won't see until then is the outer lustful dance, the stimulated engagement of every cell in my body and mind. In this month of awareness, I am more than aware. The awareness is not for us, the afflicted, it is for you who look on unknowingly. So with this, I share just a part of my tale. The rest will come to those who dare to seek for M.E. is not for the faint of heart and CPTSD not for the narrow mind. ;)

Will I ever give in?

The wonders of turning on the light when in darkness. I've not really understood why I push myself to do more when I know I absolutely need and often want to be resting, everything in my worn out body is begging me to stop and stay put but I push on regardless. Growing up, or rather being dragged up by my short and curlies, I was never believed to be ill unless I was ill enough for a doctor to be called (and not actually drunk on mother's sherry which would have been ever so embarrassing had she called the doctor, which she almost did. I was 8). I recall, when in my most defiant years of teenhood whitening my face and darkening my eyes to appear as I felt in order to get the TLC I needed, which mostly consisted of a day in bed, in perfect solitude mopping my own brow, my idea of rock and roll at a time when I couldn't breathe without mother's dramatic flip outs at some other wrongdoing I'd unwittingly done to her. So it occurred to me as I heavily lay in bed since around no, not awake at 3 am again and resigned to knowing that I am now well and truly sapped of any will to push myself beyond the loo, I will be permissibly doing fuck all today and that instead of remaining in my pj's unshowered and perfectly relaxed and willing to spend the day submerged in restfulness yesterday I felt a tight pull to tidy myself and not only go out but stay out way beyond my health permitted, popping painkillers to quiet the throbbing reminders of what a bloody fool I am, that return to childhood I make time and time again as if I've not been punished enough. I have made this connection previously but I guess the story never ends until we are ready to gracefully submit.

Other people's money?

"Other people's money" gained how? Hard work? Undoubtedly, unless inherited then it's other people's hard work, slaves included. Through other people's hard work? Also undoubtedly and always with less monetary reward or incentive. There's a notion that if 'other people's money' is distributed more evenly people will become lazy "why bother working hard when I can have money for free"...if only so freely claimed. On the other capitalist's hand, people are incentivized to work harder by removing support and creating an image of more money being attractive and worth working all hours of the day until enough is 'earned' to employ others to work for us so we no longer have to work so hard blardy blardy blar. Theories only work until they run out of other people's patience. Squeeze people at both ends and we eventually explode or implode depending on how we've been conditioned to button up that stiff upper lip or not. So, other people's money? Aside from all money belonging to the banks, an IOU, it's money, not wealth, money that changes in value daily and depending on which system is in play either trickles up or down amassing un petit petit petit peu in the middle but always mostly up, nearly all in fact, and always very much lessly down. (that's gotta tickle those grammar nerves. 😬 ) Either way, the budget of a country does not work the same as a household budget. That wealth of unknowledge needs to get out of circulation..a Thatcherism that holds no value other than to debunk the left who's idea of socialism also includes capitalism so not so commy as one might be led to understand. No, money spent out of the household purse is gone once spent, right? Ever to be regretted in haste. Money spent out of the country's purse ie all our money and once spent and borrowed (borrowing produces more money), circulates, gains in value as inflation is also decreased (?), so better spent in the public interest rather that "other person's" private stash often offshored whilst said other person gets his or her sense of value by rubbing all our money into their millions worth of extraordinarily clean white yachts and claiming how so very much more deserving he or she sitting high on their gleaming tower of power is because he or she was incentivized to work harder whilst not having his or her safety net removed (not including the small business persons who had the health, ability and confidence to start from nearly nothing..that's another story but one which still very much involves other people's hard work somewhere along the line), n'est-ce pas? 🤔 Who knew the economy could be so complicated, eh! 😜

The establishment do not want democracy.

The wealthy were once believed to be better placed to run our countries, not only because they could afford the time and resources but they were also thought to know better what is good for the people and the country. Of course, having the wealth they also had the education so this may have been truer in the olden days when governments were first formed. They also thought that if the public had any say they, the wealthy land owners would lose their stakes in that land, the public would want a share. They fought against democracy as hard they possibly could. Sourced from Naom Chomsky's book 'Requiem for the American dream' also including the UK.