This day glorious

I spoke my tale and told it well, I hasten to say. Rarely if at all do I speak of this faithless illness and my life of strife with anyone other than close friends and family but this morning I spoke in confidence and with clarity...took me aback to have been so forthcoming with a friend I've been quite mysterious but needs must and the time was rife to pack all illusions and fantasies away. And the listener heard and understood, understood my life's battle as I described in tormented detail how I got where I am today with no hint of pity, I hope shared strength, determination and resolve to make a better life, always to make a better life no matter what befalls shone through his dimmed but warming light.

I spoke my aims to return a healthier lifestyle I was robbed through extraordinary curse, to hold dear a friend I value with or without beleaguered benefits and learned his conflicted nature. No longer confused, no more angst, just freedom to be me, him to be he. Today I celebrate having unsuspectingly taken the path presented and led one month less of a year ago. Slow and steady may win the fabled race but this hared hare got to the place of assured rest first. Sometimes we follow what feels right even if we don't know why only for all to make sense at the precipice, at the point of stepping off...ready for a path scattered with sweet saviour, my path strayed and lost to another's and another's until finally found. I am, at last, my darlings, homeward bound.

Speak your truth to find your tribe.

Fear untenable.

Defences dispirited, heart torn asunder, I am terrified...stricken child lost, alone feels entirely I have run. I circumvent no more. Intrepid delusion, repressed, not served. With dread too intimate, I am willing at last to fall, encompass the bleak, the dark, the worst dank of it all.

Most cherished darling I have your hand to heart, you are sheltered, this bond is sacrosanct. Into the lightness, we journey together. Fear is no stranger to me, no oppressor, no life shall it steal again. Anew we venture, afresh we begin.

Aligned and ready to let go to the beauty of sadness, tears for seeds. The earth shall provide.

“A teacher cannot give you the truth The truth is already in you You only need to open yourself – body, mind and heart- so that his or her teachings will penetrate your own seeds of understanding and enlightenment If you let the words enter you, the soil and the seeds will do the rest of the work” ― Thích Nhất Hạnh

Joan Armatrading - Love And Affection 1976

What's love got to do with it?

Okay, so I fell in love, a whole mess of chemicals messing people up since the dawn of romantic love. A drug perpetuating desire and I am driven crazy. The trouble is...the trouble is this is not just chemicals, this is recognition...recognition of the person I know is frighteningly right and recognition of the person I know is familiarly wrong.

What I don't know is which is he and which is my transference onto him, reminders he triggers by his words of no reciprocation whilst his excellently revealing body tells me an otherwise I have not yet met. No riddles, no games, just straight talking damn, I'm teetering on the edge of falling deep and need to know before I let my most passionate self go, before I can breathe back an equilibrium, resignment to a life incredibly lost and found in gratitude and determined confidence, a life I choose not to burden another. If love is to let go then let go I must. If love is to find me then it must come willingly.

As the day looms large.

Ripped aghast, insides out I tremble with exposure. I have spilled, cannot put back, revealed and most vulnerable.