The love of the other I never had.

I wasted too much time wishing I could be the person you couldn't help but love, the right person for you. You who didn't see me, didn't know me...didn't know yourself. Did I love you? That is and always needed to be the question. The answer; yes, as best I could I did, I loved you despite you not loving me not because..I stayed with you because.

This is and always needs to be the answer. The question; can I let anyone love me?

"To thine own self be true." William Shakespeare.

My message to Theresa May

It appears you don't hear yourself, Theresa May let alone other people unless they are repeating the same diatribe you continue to spout that holds little to no basis in reality. You talk of MP's having the right to not be intimidated by members of the public whilst you continue to do just that not only to members of the public who you largely ignore..again unless they agree with you, and members of the house, Jeremy Corbyn in particular. You claim to be clear and answer questions but you are far from. Speaking and repeating what you have said is not answering the questions necessarily. I understand The Labour Party's stance on Brexit far clearer than your party and indeed your stance aside from understanding that the focus is primarily on party politics within the tory government where the Brexit negotiations have been largely held, not even with the EU have you negotiated, they claim they still don't know what you want either. If you could hear what everyone else who has the ability to listen objectively to you and to what other members of the public and parliament are saying there wouldn't be such a problem..as it is your deal has been massively defeated simply because you don't hear what people are saying..the will of the people is not what you claim, the will of a minority is to leave the EU and not all on the grounds that you say and certainly a large number of those people do not have full facts on what leaving means, especially without a deal. I don't mean to be insulting here, I witness this high level of ignorance widespread within my own community and the wider world on social media. Very understandable given the lies and twisted truths spread by mainstream media and independent bloggers and self-proclaimed campaigners like Tommy Robinson, Nigel Farage who entices division and hate based on ignorance and lies. This to me demonstrates not only a gaping hole in our education system where learning to respectfully debate, political sciences, how the country's economy works, constitutional law etc should be but an example the government itself sets in enticing hate and division based on lies and manipulation also. Your cruel politics and vicious offensive defences when challenged are poisonous despite your determination that they and your party are beneficial to this country and the people and set the scene for greater divide and abuse in this country. To lead is to lead by example, your example is left dangerously wanting, Theresa May. If there was any honour in your 'right honourable lady's' conscience you'd resign and call a general election.

The void I feel is not from your absence but your lack of connection.

The double edged sword of desire.

Passionately, longingly desiring a love to know me, to find me amongst the pride I use to conceal my true and shattered self whilst consuming whole a lust for the distant and self-orientated leaves me jaded time and time again yet still I continue to anxiously avoid the intimacy I most cherish. To be known is the scariest thing known to me. Both CPTSD and a diagnosed chronic illness that is widely misunderstood and interpreted, Myalgic Encephalomyelitis is the scar left gaped open for no one to see. How to let love find me when love has never been but the opposite; indifference? My only experience is that of walking away a body running toward hurt and isolation.

Getting into the Christmas spirit..I mean wine, I'm getting into the wine.

How to render oneself homebound in one easy lesson; listen to everyone telling you to have just one more, stay out just a little longer because IT'S CHRISTMAS!! I hereby give permission to shout a resounding "NO" during this season of goodwill and the giving of spirit. Why are we expected to be happy and moreover why do we do ourselves in to put on a merry cheer this time of year? I'm really not in the mood, too exhausted and unwell, that surely is good enough...one would think given the joy of presence..oh wait, it's presents, isn't it? That's where I've got it all wrong, I'm not giving enough so I am persuaded to keep going until I do. I'll see you on the other side.

M.E. life on the rocks.

The reality most people don't see, don't understand or believe. Another friend died this past week...M.E. is a killer but hey, we look well when you see us don't we!! Some days, weeks or years are better than others, the summer is better than winter for me but most of my time is spent in my pj's in bed or on the settee feeling wretched in pain with temperature fluctuations, sensory, digestive, neuro problems ranging from crushing head and body aches to tooth and joint sensitivity and toes that have a cramping mind of their own bending in directions I didn't think they could. I rarely talk about how I feel, preferring instead to make the most of what I have, what I can do and enjoying my time with family and friends when I'm with them. Also preferring not to be judged by what people (mistakenly) think M.E. is and is not. This particular journey began around 10 years ago for me. After 10 years (not including the trauma of childhood abuse but yet an extension of) of extreme, and I mean extreme stress and anxiety without reprieve due to domestic violence where the ante was upped considerably after I ended the relationship, I fell ill with glandular fever. During that time the stress continued, my health deteriorated slowly, exhausted all the time yet unable to sleep or relax, in a very hyper state as if my nervous system was working over time. Then came the car accident, a spectacular head-on collision where the other driver speedily careered around the corner on the right hand side of the road. My injuries eventually healed as best they could but I was left with all over pain, fatigue and weakness. I was diagnosed and thrown in the controversial CFS/ME bin when all blood, urine tests and scans showed little to identify as anything else. My iron level was topped up to be replaced with other deficiencies over time and yet despite much privately funded research (the government isn't particularly interested even though thousands of us have been diagnosed) providing physical evidence of body and tissue damage, abnormalities with cells, inflammation of the brain and central nervous system the only treatment we are offered is cognitive therapy and a graded exercise therapy that most people find counterproductive, deteriorated health shown in studies conducted to examine the impact. Other treatments include anti-depressants, painkillers and a varied mix of nutrients, sleep and digestive aids. Any new symptoms are often dismissed as part of the illness as our health declines over the years, 10 years fewer life expectancy can be looked forward to on average, less for some. We are not permitted to donate blood or organs yet we are thought of as having a mental illness. There is much co-morbidity, depression and anxiety are common as people are isolated and mistreated. Heart conditions and other organ failures amongst the more severely affected and lives taken due to too much life being stolen, sometimes from very young ages having had no life outside the home for decades. I am fortunate, if luck has anything to do with anything, that I am considered moderate. I have no idea what the future holds in terms of health which is why I focus on what I have and what I can do while I can. Living alone and as independent as I possibly can (a personal choice for various reasons I won't divulge here), pacing myself as I would if to maintain a physically healthier existence is impossible for my soul to survive. I'm whats coined in the M.E. world as a boom and bust MEep...I push to my limits then crash to the depths. You will only ever see me at my best where, if any of this is in the mind, I am pretending to be better than I feel, convincing you and me that I am well and living a 'normal' life just like you if only to feel part of that world you inhabit for a while. The next day or the day after, sometimes longer but less so as time passes by I am reminded that I can convince nobody least of all myself that my life is anything but cocooned in a body that doesn't play ball to my will. If I can not let my mind at least fly then I too would die.

Happy birthday, narcissistic misgivings.

On the surface, it appears lovely, a mother who loves and understands her daughter until knowing the reality of course. I used to get lots of love and kisses in my cards, now I'm not doing what she wants, now I'm not biting or rising to her demands and not seeing her I get this. I am grateful at least that she uses my given name, my favoured name at last. For once, I actually feel sorry for her..the second time in my life. I realized as I was skimming over the ungenuine sentiment of this card how I know she'd really rather not send one at all. I've witnessed this struggle in her with other relatives that she'd prefer not to send cards but does so because being thought of as uncaring or bad in some way is harder for her to deal with. I send her cards since deciding to have no physical contact because I want to, I can love her better from a distance without all the projections and button pushing, without feeling so angry with her as she constantly aggravates deliberately to feel superior or whatever nonsense she believes she's achieved. Putting myself in her shoes, I am glad to be in a position where I am free to make these decisions without any concern for what other people might think of me. She's trapped by her own insecurities and fear. That used to be me, the internal struggle she kindly passed on but this apple fell much further than her grasp. This apple has ripened and grown into a more compassionate and understanding tree. That must really piss her off, shine on her like a razor light cutting through to the core of her grief. That, I feel incredibly sad about.