Proclivity for retention.

Circling everywhere but onward, around we turn in unspecified place but friendship of a kind, if wanted, if not, in choice had I proclaim to pick. He hastens away, I retreat to be reclaimed with echoes of my own stolen on his lips. All and nothing becomes changed. Compacted, unhurried to show who am I to his unexpressed he and what are we inreleased.

Frigid, stuck in attatchment with not intimacy returned...dispirited, discouraged disheartened, left cooling in desire. I can not speak lodged words that will fluster him gone or draw him near. I live fearful in both, holding in that desperately, longingly needs released...I am, soley, sadly constipated in love.

The love I give is mine to keep.

I resent all that you are, all you leave me solitary...all that I am abandoned. In your easiness you create difficulty. In my toil, I am found wanting and worn. You sleep, I walk a path not fit for child nor woman. No more ripping out my heart in kind love for you, no more neglect.

A repeated story, replicated, duplicated until erudite. The chain in my link, my connection to another in parallel likeness, a homecoming bringing back to the start, to the death of my life before begun with a father's single minded hand to be free, a facile life for him, a closing that must be revived to undertake again. The end of his life, an emergence of mine. Fifteen years more since mourning undid, incomplete, stilted in resolute force to break free from dominance, control...the teaching you gave to capitulate, concede for the peace of you I too adored, coveted I give to all. Freedom is, always mine to choose, I reclaim my being, my tenderness, embrace myself complete. No more appealing, no more sanctioning an easy life for you. This hour is achieved, reached in quest of reposeful destination.

The wolf at the door.

Surging want to run, shift course, a get out quick clause long embedded. Uncomfortable closeness rendering weak...vulnerability uncertain of an emerging safe place, its reality, probability. Unused and new, I'm lost for what to do, how to be here, only volitional escape known. Murmurs of stifled breath, heavy weighs the courage to remain, pursuit of proof lost in soaring, unwilling to land. I may be wounded or I may not, what to lose when never loved found is the ground I have walked my life through?

Motherless daughters...a welcoming home.

Did I give enough space for her to grow or did I push her out of my nest so I could fly? My boundaries built too high, too rigid for her to see her path whilst I search for mine. My home, my rules, my time...perhaps why she keeps coming back to have me throw her out again and again, set up to fail of my creation or her self sabotage? She's waiting for the change in me, for my acceptance of her need to be the mess she is, held safe until she can breathe her own air, grow her own feet.

So I still myself, I sit with her giving no direction, asking no...demanding not to know her steps, just with in awkward silence. From darkened depths, I saw a surface she swam me back, a familiar atmosphere where we connect...honest, raw expression of love, hate, laughter, of sheer joy in the family we are where freedom is found at least to speak our truths if not live. In finding my own mother, I found hers. Her home in my heart, my home, my heart wide enough for us both to beat in tune our own unique being. Simplicity in all its complexity, rest is arrived.

In you I found my escape...

....in my escape I found you. You push me forward and in my fowardness, you follow. Inside out I am turned as trust finds the way.

I need no more than this day...

...to feel the rain on my naked burnt body.

May the 14th always be with me.

A favorite day I know not why. My yellow day, a Tuesday...all is aligned to where one day will tell.