Reflections of a past seeping into the present.

I'm observing myself in relation to relationships and finding myself quite nuts. There's a guy I've known for a few years who's shown an interest. We've spent a couple of nights together and it's nice, easy but I'm not in love or think we are compatible although not overly sure as I don't know him well enough yet. By not compatible I mean I don't think he would cope with the way I am and I'm not having another relationship where all I get is criticism, judgement and fixing solutions. I did have THAT conversation with him about what was going on between us and felt assured and happy by his conviction we'd remain friends no matter which way our relationship went, whether friends with benefits or exclusive relationship and he had no issue if I were to meet someone else. So while I'm thinking that I probably won't spend the night again, it wasn't the best I've had and I didn't feel particularly turned on, but mostly because I'm starting to feel too close for comfort. I also find myself imagining an exclusive relationship with him and it feels familiar, warm, relaxed and loving, kinda. Today, after seeing him yesterday randomly out and about and he seemed relaxed in my company if a little distant (that could have been my overactive imagination) and I seemed to be saying everything to let him know indirectly I'm not sure I can do the monogamous long term relationship scene with anyone he then as we were parting company asks me where I was going as if, I assumed, he was about to ask me back to his so I asked if he wanted me to go home with him..he replied "no" as he had a lot of work today, I am now wanting to distance myself, as if I've not enough already and eager to let him know that I'm doing that which of course would require me to connect with him. I'm aware of a strong need to save face, play it cool as if him saying "no" is a rejection of me, who I am but I'm not fazed by that, I'm not that insecure..and I'm not, not really, not in my adult brain at least, and yet reminding myself that I wasn't going to spend the night again anyway even though if he'd said "yes" I probably would have. All my relationships have been a push and pull game, something I didn't understand so well as I do now but still, I don't know if I'm coming or going...do I want him or don't I? Who the hell am I right now? Have I pushed him away and is that what I really want? I know who I am when there's no love interest but as soon as there is I'm gone, in a dense spicy pickle that both tastes delicious and sour at the same time. More than anything I want him, or someone to show an interest in me and my life with the added condiment. To be willing to understand why I am the way I am and not just bolt when I push them away. Most people I know don't understand so talking about such things as my creative and similtanious distructive love life with them only makes me look more peculiar than they already think I am. How does anyone survive the narcissistic maternal abuse and have healthy relationships when never having experienced healthy relationships to know what they look and feel like? Will I ever stop heading straight for nutsville everytime I'm interested in someone..or even when I'm not but going with the flow when they are if it feels alright for now at least? Am I expecting too much to want someone to stop and ask me what's going on when I send all the signals for them to distance themselves, do people do that or have I watched too many impossibly romantic films? I do that when I care enough about the person pushing me away but apparently, I'm peculiar :/

ME awareness.

Awareness month in my life with M.E. and CPTSD comorbidity is a conflicting slutty story. From the outside, I will appear calm, healthy if reserved and guarded whilst I laugh readily and freely in the company of life. What you won't see is the inner struggle, fire and brimstone, the waged war inflicted on what feels like every cell in my body and mind. One condition desires to be resting, in my hard, fought for sanctuary I at last call home, peacefully relaxed and looked after while the other is screaming and clawing to be let out, to run, fly and be independently free of any constraints and rules. What you won't see is how I, my mind loves every part of my body and my body responding to my mind. My constant work is to consolidate the two, to bring togetherness and harmonious cooperation so I might find peace within myself and so I might someday let someone in to keep warm by the fire of my soul which is excited to have you near. What you won't see until then is the outer lustful dance, the stimulated engagement of every cell in my body and mind. In this month of awareness, I am more than aware. The awareness is not for us, the afflicted, it is for you who look on unknowingly. So with this, I share just a part of my tale. The rest will come to those who dare to seek for M.E. is not for the faint of heart and CPTSD not for the narrow mind. ;)

Will I ever give in?

The wonders of turning on the light when in darkness. I've not really understood why I push myself to do more when I know I absolutely need and often want to be resting, everything in my worn out body is begging me to stop and stay put but I push on regardless. Growing up, or rather being dragged up by my short and curlies, I was never believed to be ill unless I was ill enough for a doctor to be called (and not actually drunk on mother's sherry which would have been ever so embarrassing had she called the doctor, which she almost did. I was 8). I recall, when in my most defiant years of teenhood whitening my face and darkening my eyes to appear as I felt in order to get the TLC I needed, which mostly consisted of a day in bed, in perfect solitude mopping my own brow, my idea of rock and roll at a time when I couldn't breathe without mother's dramatic flip outs at some other wrongdoing I'd unwittingly done to her. So it occurred to me as I heavily lay in bed since around no, not awake at 3 am again and resigned to knowing that I am now well and truly sapped of any will to push myself beyond the loo, I will be permissibly doing fuck all today and that instead of remaining in my pj's unshowered and perfectly relaxed and willing to spend the day submerged in restfulness yesterday I felt a tight pull to tidy myself and not only go out but stay out way beyond my health permitted, popping painkillers to quiet the throbbing reminders of what a bloody fool I am, that return to childhood I make time and time again as if I've not been punished enough. I have made this connection previously but I guess the story never ends until we are ready to gracefully submit.

Other people's money?

"Other people's money" gained how? Hard work? Undoubtedly, unless inherited then it's other people's hard work, slaves included. Through other people's hard work? Also undoubtedly and always with less monetary reward or incentive. There's a notion that if 'other people's money' is distributed more evenly people will become lazy "why bother working hard when I can have money for free"...if only so freely claimed. On the other capitalist's hand, people are incentivized to work harder by removing support and creating an image of more money being attractive and worth working all hours of the day until enough is 'earned' to employ others to work for us so we no longer have to work so hard blardy blardy blar. Theories only work until they run out of other people's patience. Squeeze people at both ends and we eventually explode or implode depending on how we've been conditioned to button up that stiff upper lip or not. So, other people's money? Aside from all money belonging to the banks, an IOU, it's money, not wealth, money that changes in value daily and depending on which system is in play either trickles up or down amassing un petit petit petit peu in the middle but always mostly up, nearly all in fact, and always very much lessly down. (that's gotta tickle those grammar nerves. 😬 ) Either way, the budget of a country does not work the same as a household budget. That wealth of unknowledge needs to get out of circulation..a Thatcherism that holds no value other than to debunk the left who's idea of socialism also includes capitalism so not so commy as one might be led to understand. No, money spent out of the household purse is gone once spent, right? Ever to be regretted in haste. Money spent out of the country's purse ie all our money and once spent and borrowed (borrowing produces more money), circulates, gains in value as inflation is also decreased (?), so better spent in the public interest rather that "other person's" private stash often offshored whilst said other person gets his or her sense of value by rubbing all our money into their millions worth of extraordinarily clean white yachts and claiming how so very much more deserving he or she sitting high on their gleaming tower of power is because he or she was incentivized to work harder whilst not having his or her safety net removed (not including the small business persons who had the health, ability and confidence to start from nearly nothing..that's another story but one which still very much involves other people's hard work somewhere along the line), n'est-ce pas? 🤔 Who knew the economy could be so complicated, eh! 😜

The establishment do not want democracy.

The wealthy were once believed to be better placed to run our countries, not only because they could afford the time and resources but they were also thought to know better what is good for the people and the country. Of course, having the wealth they also had the education so this may have been truer in the olden days when governments were first formed. They also thought that if the public had any say they, the wealthy land owners would lose their stakes in that land, the public would want a share. They fought against democracy as hard they possibly could. Sourced from Naom Chomsky's book 'Requiem for the American dream' also including the UK.

Public toilet plea......

Now I intend to tread lightly over this subject so close to my heart, being a woman myself and not wanting to offend my fellow ladies in the queue.

It's the pee on the toilet seat that I am concerned with. You see, I have been having difficulty over quite some time, working out why, when I use a public convenience it's never so convenient to sit upon a seat without getting my bottom wet with an other's pee. It's horrible to say the least!

I have concluded that it is a cycle produced by the very same disgust I feel about sitting on a wet seat - ladies hover to avoid this and thus often miss, as it can be a struggle to hover, looking at the floor with the blood rushing to our heads and making sure we don't at least get our own clothing wet. During this uncomfortable experience and with a desire to get it over with as soon as possible, we often pee on instead of in the loo. I understand this, I really do. To hover over a foot and and a half of porcelain isn't exactly a natural state to be in, particularly when other needs of relief are taking priority. I know many may find it an unusual practice to squat over a hole in the ground, but at least our head would be in a position that leaves us better orientated.

I imagine those more fragile or with aching limbs could be out of balance, creating a greater cascade of falling toilet splash. I don't for the life of me understand why it is often not thought of to at least lift the seat before leaving an artistic array of droplets for an unsuspecting bottom to sit upon. I appreciate that some woman do lift the seat and it is most gratefully welcomed. I bid a heartfelt thank you to all who consider this.

Please don't get me wrong, I do not spend my time sitting on wet toilet seats, of course I have the sense to wipe them over prior to sitting. A job I have to say that I detest. What on earth could make a person think that it would be acceptable to leave their pee for another to wipe up I have no idea. Would they be OK to wipe up my pee (should I leave any, which I don't)? I doubt it, hence the need for hovering in the first place.

As this isn't necessarily a cheery subject to be writing about, I will keep it short. More over, I would like to address this as a plea, and I do mean plea, to all fellow woman.....

...please, please wipe your seat pee and leave it dry for other bums. Let us stick together in our public toilet use and consider the next bottom you encounter in the never ending ladies queue, it may be your pee about to saturate the poor bum!!

Life can be strange....

Just when we think we have it all sorted out and know what we are doing....whoosh, it all just seems to turn upside down and back to front.

I've just returned from a two week, what shall I call it...for the sake of no other explanation, holiday for all sense and purpose. Aside from the usual jet lag, despite not having flown, I feel that my whole life has become unrecognisable as I knew it, if I ever did. It was a journey into another country that turned into a journey with many shapes. Despite feeling exhausted, I feel that I have been woken to a reality I had not seen as clear as I do now.

How could I have lived a life not seeing what a two holiday has revealed? I'm not certain why or what makes us wake up to certain realities at any one time, perhaps we only see what we need to see when we are ready to see it. I suppose you're waiting for me to reveal my holiday experience and how it has changed my life. Without giving away too much, protecting identities of those unsuspecting individuals concerned, I can say that I went away for a rest and instead came home with a break. No, I didn't break my leg, I have had torn open the picture of a person I thought I knew.

I recall my father once telling me that a holiday can either make or break a relationship, this one certainly proved that theory - it's most definitely broken!

What I find most disturbing is just how much my life feels changed in such a short space of time. Two weeks ago I thought I knew what I was doing. Now I am back at home I realise I never have and probably never will. A journey can change a perception and life can change with no going back. Forgive me, I am being vague. I am feeling vague,living in limbo, where ever that maybe!

Nothing to do but ride it through until something feels familiar. When the new becomes the old and another corner is turned.

I need a break........

Be happy, be back soon! :)