Haters gonna hate.

'Labour chiefs believe the party's nationalisation plans and proposals to tackle dirty money in the City are likely to attract challenges'..no shit, they're on the ball with that one. The whole battle against Corbyn has been because the corrupters want to continue corrupting and have greater freedom to do so, not less. Corbyn has threatened them and they will stop at nothing to bring him down..which, amazingly because of all the right wing propaganda, has attracted greater support rather than dimish. People have had enough of the greed, the corruption, the trickle down equating to pissing on the plebs whilst the rich get richer..do they really think we are stupid? Sadly, they would be right about the turkeys who vote for Christmas but they are a dying breed it seems. The time is coming for change...not so radical and definitely not so left as the further right than right would have us believe from their radical perspective, but a swing in that direction at least and one, hopefully, will gain traction as people begin to feel empowered..I'd say again but not sure how empowered we've ever been in reality. Democracy is an illusion until we fully take the reigns (yes, I do mean reigns ;) ), after all. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/labour-party-policies-tax-jeremy-corbyn-city-london-lawyers-corruption-a8463856.html?amp

You can't always have what you want but if you try sometime you find you get what you need.

I wonder if I only want what I can't have. The friend I've spoken of who I spent a couple of nights together sent all my panic buttons off when he contacted me so of course, I pushed him away in my own strange ways then, growing up I communicated what I was doing as I didn't want to do that with him, both of us deserved better...via text as face to face was proving difficult without making a date to talk, too heavy even for me, and I hate talking on the phone so not quite as grown up as I'd prefer but the best for me at the time...and he thought that perhaps we shouldn't sleep together again to which I was already inclined to agree as I'd had similar thoughts after the first night in fact although I spent another and would have spent another if he asked because it felt easy, comfortable, right. Since, I've seen him about three times this week already, once after I'd hesitated texting him suggesting a drink and sat there wishing I had when it was too late as I was no longer alone, he showed up as if he could hear my thoughts and I felt really happy he had, glowing in my reconnection with the universe, my faith that life is all connected and all well, something I've been reluctant to trust for a long time, a time when my trust betrayed me. We are still good enough friends, fairly relaxed, although my anxiety is high when I first see him as it always is with anyone I spend the night with regardless of whether I want to see them again or not, plenty in common and I'm discovering we have lots more in common than I realized without any feeling that he's just saying what he thinks I'd like to hear as I've not said anything to lead that conversation, holding my cards close to my chest, and having spent time with my son, his partner and this friend who was out at the same place and time as us, this keeps happening lately and unexpectedly, and how easy, there's that word again, it all is, I'm finding that I'm not able to stop thinking about him, he's on my mind all the time and I long to spend some one on one time with him again, just me and him talking about what we've not really talked about in person. I won't initiate this, however, that's a definite no go area just now...as much as I long I also dread...the last thing I want is for this to be just what I want after all. I have no idea what he's thinking, he regards me as a friend, enjoys my company and wants that to continue, as do I..his friendship is more important to me than any relationship that could ruin that. I'm perplexed, is my interest growing the more he doesn't want that time with me or the more he does as it has been him only asking to meet for a drink? I'm not sure I've ever been so connected with someone and not at the same time, alarm bells usually ring when it's not right not when it is, and this feels right and so very wrong at the same time too...perhaps because I'm not used to this, this being..I'm unsure what it is but I'm certainly used to the confusion of myself. The irony is that I've been telling him that slow and steady wins the race and here I am in a hurry to have the answers. and excited to wait for something slow and steady, regardless of what shape that takes. Just by writing this down I have butterflies flitting around my body like a teen on heat ready for her first true love. What's wrong with me, I'm never this, lots of other weird but never this? The excruciating very big what is, indubitabley, what if he doesn't feel the same, assuming of course that what I feel is something akin to love..or liking a lot at least, let's not be too presumptious here? :/

Noam Chomsky - Best Speech In 2018

We've been Trumped.

It's hard to believe Trump does or says anything with intent, with any intelligent thought but the very fact that he is given a platform for acting on his tiny minded and screwed up belief system is unleashing those who are like minded, given them legitimacy in their irrational, ignorant ill thought out ability to processes what is happening in the world. The far right are the first to deny the far right exists and yet there they are, plain for anyone with eyes open to see spreading their nonsense, creating the division and fear they claim to be combating. It's a mind f@ck and these people have to be put into a space that fits the size of the mentally capacity until they have the ability to expand their understanding of reality...and let's be honest, that leaves a vast scope for improvement yet here we are with Theresa May courting a lunatic, permitting him to hold her hand, passively being undermined, patronized revealing her less than strong and stable self..which, of course, was always a joke as she wobbles on dog eared determined to be made a fool of at her every turn, and boy does she turn. I can almost feel sorry for her..almost, as she upholds an elitist boys club parading as a grown up establishment believing she is a prime advocate for women. Erm, no, I don't think so, Mrs May. Any strong and stable woman would not be allowing a Trumped up frat boy to slide his tiny hands into theirs let alone provide a red carpet for him to swan his slimy arse up. No, we must wake up and resist any temptation to be ununified by being distracted by a baby blimp representing a man with extremely dangerous delusions.

Assumptions make an ass out of you and me.

I've just had a moment of clarity...it happens from time to time. It's the assumptions that make me act crazy, or rather my anxiety when someone assumes I'm doing something I'm not. When people don't clarify, ask or trust when I say what's going on for me or what I want...those times I actually know what I want. The relentless urge to communicate with them, to know what they are thinking so I can put them right is what I need to let go of. Their faulty thinking is their problem, not mine. For too long those assumptions, projections of another's messed up mind have had a hugely detrimental impact on my life. My family relationships, as well as my relationship with myself, were ruined by my mother's convicted view of me, and my children's lives have been confused by one of their father's sadistic delight in not only sharing his twisted view of me but setting up situations to make him appear correct, so it can and does have serious implications and at those times things have to be put right but when it doesn't matter, when other's judge instead of ask and trust, especially after doing the legwork and clarifying what they are thinking and letting them know whether they are correct in their assumptions or not, I need to walk away. Why would we want to have close connections with people who perpetually assume, judge and taint us with their blackened used up brushes? The answer is probably one of familiarity but with greater understanding comes freedom. And I understand..... ....and I ain't no ass. ;) xxx

Reflections of a past seeping into the present.

I'm observing myself in relation to relationships and finding myself quite nuts. There's a guy I've known for a few years who's shown an interest. We've spent a couple of nights together and it's nice, easy but I'm not in love or think we are compatible although not overly sure as I don't know him well enough yet. By not compatible I mean I don't think he would cope with the way I am and I'm not having another relationship where all I get is criticism, judgement and fixing solutions. I did have THAT conversation with him about what was going on between us and felt assured and happy by his conviction we'd remain friends no matter which way our relationship went, whether friends with benefits or exclusive relationship and he had no issue if I were to meet someone else. So while I'm thinking that I probably won't spend the night again, it wasn't the best I've had and I didn't feel particularly turned on, but mostly because I'm starting to feel too close for comfort. I also find myself imagining an exclusive relationship with him and it feels familiar, warm, relaxed and loving, kinda. Today, after seeing him yesterday randomly out and about and he seemed relaxed in my company if a little distant (that could have been my overactive imagination) and I seemed to be saying everything to let him know indirectly I'm not sure I can do the monogamous long term relationship scene with anyone he then as we were parting company asks me where I was going as if, I assumed, he was about to ask me back to his so I asked if he wanted me to go home with him..he replied "no" as he had a lot of work today, I am now wanting to distance myself, as if I've not enough already and eager to let him know that I'm doing that which of course would require me to connect with him. I'm aware of a strong need to save face, play it cool as if him saying "no" is a rejection of me, who I am but I'm not fazed by that, I'm not that insecure..and I'm not, not really, not in my adult brain at least, and yet reminding myself that I wasn't going to spend the night again anyway even though if he'd said "yes" I probably would have. All my relationships have been a push and pull game, something I didn't understand so well as I do now but still, I don't know if I'm coming or going...do I want him or don't I? Who the hell am I right now? Have I pushed him away and is that what I really want? I know who I am when there's no love interest but as soon as there is I'm gone, in a dense spicy pickle that both tastes delicious and sour at the same time. More than anything I want him, or someone to show an interest in me and my life with the added condiment. To be willing to understand why I am the way I am and not just bolt when I push them away. Most people I know don't understand so talking about such things as my creative and similtanious distructive love life with them only makes me look more peculiar than they already think I am. How does anyone survive the narcissistic maternal abuse and have healthy relationships when never having experienced healthy relationships to know what they look and feel like? Will I ever stop heading straight for nutsville everytime I'm interested in someone..or even when I'm not but going with the flow when they are if it feels alright for now at least? Am I expecting too much to want someone to stop and ask me what's going on when I send all the signals for them to distance themselves, do people do that or have I watched too many impossibly romantic films? I do that when I care enough about the person pushing me away but apparently, I'm peculiar :/

ME awareness.

Awareness month in my life with M.E. and CPTSD comorbidity is a conflicting slutty story. From the outside, I will appear calm, healthy if reserved and guarded whilst I laugh readily and freely in the company of life. What you won't see is the inner struggle, fire and brimstone, the waged war inflicted on what feels like every cell in my body and mind. One condition desires to be resting, in my hard, fought for sanctuary I at last call home, peacefully relaxed and looked after while the other is screaming and clawing to be let out, to run, fly and be independently free of any constraints and rules. What you won't see is how I, my mind loves every part of my body and my body responding to my mind. My constant work is to consolidate the two, to bring togetherness and harmonious cooperation so I might find peace within myself and so I might someday let someone in to keep warm by the fire of my soul which is excited to have you near. What you won't see until then is the outer lustful dance, the stimulated engagement of every cell in my body and mind. In this month of awareness, I am more than aware. The awareness is not for us, the afflicted, it is for you who look on unknowingly. So with this, I share just a part of my tale. The rest will come to those who dare to seek for M.E. is not for the faint of heart and CPTSD not for the narrow mind. ;)