I release myself.

~ I showed up to say I can hold on no more, the torment is too great. The lie I told myself that I shall stay away. ~ My aim is clear, I walk so he will follow, he follows to push me further so I walk some more in hope he will not go. ~ There's no rest in this desperate tug of war, no respite in inciting change

I know what I must do. Tell the truth, for this lie is on the floor. ~ Walk away today, hang around no more, there is a life waiting, just turn the key and open up the door. ~ Hills far away beckons this weary soul. Leave no trail, no lead, but instead, see all ahead, no more fall foul.

If I could do it all again....

I appreciate I may come across as rather self centred with my words regarding my troubled relationship patterns...in all honesty, without being able to not only write down what's going on for me but push my words out into the world I'm not sure I'd cope in isolation with nothing but my journal and books for learned comfort. This is an incredible journey for me and one, whilst holding on by a thread at times like today, is one I do not regret...although still no idea how being around personal reminders triggering all manner of anxiety, dread, the heartache that comes from a past full of trauma is going to work out. I'm confident now my addiction is the stress that comes from attaching myself to the distant and unavailable..a repeated pattern from childhood living in a very dramatic household. Always a very good reason for not succeeding in what I want to do outside of my family, my adult offspring.

Turning the clocks back, I'd not do all I have again even in recognition that I wouldn't be where I am now without that torture. Did I consciously choose the unplanned father of my daughter who, along with my defiance giving him drive to control at all costs leading to more than 20 years of my life battling, life lost? Of course, I didn't but I did choose the relationship with him nonetheless as I did this lastest conflicting desire with eyes openly reckless. I pushed beyond my means to complete a degree amongst the war that ensued, means enough to damage my body as I waded through a sea of stress dragging me in deeper with no rescue. I didn't also choose to have someone crash head-on into my car when my client didn't turn up and I left work early providing the exact time and place for the turn in my life that meant giving up all I'd worked for, giving instead time and energy to continue healing my family. It does give me pause to question how this universe works...did I unconsciously send out the signals that my fear of success needed a valid reason to halt the progress I was speedily making? Or did I need that stopped to focus on my direction? And now, the paths I have chosen bringing me right back to improving health with an aim to return to some kind of meaningful work I am rapped in thoughts of not being good enough, another excuse for not succeeding whilst knowing full well I am capable of achieving what I want with the determination that has got me thus far. Why the fear of success? Enter one mother who vehemently trampled out any ideas of "being too clever for my own good" and simultaneously using my grades as an extension of her own worthiness then to add to the confused mess would both abuse my abilities and ridicule me for having them. I became frozen, learned to hide what I knew, feared rejection from others for their feeling intimidated which led to me living up to those expectations and looked down upon anyone too stupid to understand what came so easily for me. Yes, I was obnoxious, it enabled me to maintain my distance, nobody was good enough. An upside down self alienation attaching myself to the not good enough as if to prove my point. I've no one to blame for this bizarre style of coping, not even myself. It's only with hindsight, a willingness and one someone who I still have no idea is a friend or foe having the courage to tell me how I am.

The very challenge I've sought in someone as I challenge another with the directness of what I witness in them. To find and to lose...has this been another fear of success spinning me out of control or another someone not good enough for me? Patiently agonising time, action and conversation will tell. In the meantime, left fumbling alone I am in search of where to direct and expand my capabilities. I have no desire to be perfect, another trait learned and lost to necessity, just good enough to feel satisfied for having faced another, perhaps the ultimate fear with the same gusto bringing me home to my authentic self. Shedding the shackles link by link, chinks in the chain having left their scars as reminders of the fight not quite yet won but well fought, I know I have the biggest hurdle ahead...I look forward with trepidation and cautious excitement, the past's theft of all I gained at the point of winning rumbles still in my unfed belly.

Destruction is not mine

The black abyss I feared entering my whole life was not the pits of my soul, the desolation of not being good enough, fear of rejection of all that is my nature but the realization of my own loneliness, the reality of us all. We are profoundly alone no matter what and who we surround ourselves...there is no escape from this reality. It is in deeper connection with others that we can at least share in the bleakness of this existence without escape to satisfy another's as much our own keeping away disturbing discomfort and thus we find relaxed connection to lift us from forsakenness.

This is the only isolation...self imposed, a necessary coping mechanism for attachment, the norm of societal imposition of avoidance creating depressing isolation we perpetually deepen with purchased promises of alleviation, elevation to higher planes with anything but the resolution we truly require. This Western society we have created is moving further and further away from reality and closer to the sickness that permeates all in its wake. Disconnection...destruction, yet I have been deemed the bringer of gloom for exposing the sad reality we would all, if honest, understand as our very own. It is in our connection with our own innate being, the natural in the world we seek from potted plants on windowsills, sunsets and rises to the great expanse of the wilderness we find solace. Human nature is not clothed and wrapped up in material possession but crying out to be released, set free in beautiful nakedness, dancing without care of being watched, judged, shoved back into the boxes that never fit.

Jack Johnson - The Upsetter

An unexpected consequence to reconnecting with my authentic self is how I have found the ability to recognise and stop the natter in my head determined to upset my day, anything that is going right for me. I'm no longer suppressing the emotion but witnessing and putting an end to what doesn't work for me entirely. These voices have been the heavy baggage that's held me back my whole life despite facing the fears, the weight has been draining, preventing full expression of joy, excitement and enthusiasm as well as anxiety and nervousness. The dread I would feel at the end of every day was repressed, too big a black hole I believed to dare enter but now re-experienced I see it for what it is and always has been....not mine but the messages I received from a very frightened mother and passive father who just wanted a peaceful life at the expense of a functional family. Mine is the freedom to decide what thoughts will occupy my mind and I choose to understand, an open mind to learn all I can about the wheres and wherefores of life and feel all that comes with every adventure, no more hiding. This is the independence I shall be celebrating today

Socialism For Dummies.

The idea of individualism being good for the whole has missed the mark entirely and this is why we now have the divides, inequality and social discontent, disconnection. To connect with oneself, not repress, deny our emotions...dependant coping mechanisms learned during childhood to aid attachment for us all continued during adulthood is how individualism can begin to pave the way toward a cohesive community, society caring for one another. Even socialism won't work without individual connection. The paradox of breaking away from our parents/caregivers, separation to enable self identification, authentic individuality in order come home to living interdependently. People believe themselves to be independent adults but are in reality still dependently conforming or acting out and so the chaos of society will persist no matter what ism we are governed by but at least with laws preventing harm to anyone's wellbeing, a structure that promotes mind/body health in collaboration with equality as its core value, equal opportunity, no monopolies or privilege of birth we can begin to heal as societies and ensure sustainable global continuance.

Living in the moment, clear and present.

A central part of my training as a counsellor was to remain with the client, with the here and now as it presents itself and not push for forwarding movement and yet here I am only just realizing how in my personal life pushing for forwarding movement is exactly what I've been doing scaring both myself and the other in process. I'm not the only one, I'm fairly certain he's been doing that too in less direct ways. It seems I jump in at the deep end then frantically swim for shore and he wants to run before he can walk. What a pair this isn't!

Remaining in the moment is filled with our past and future confusing where we are. Unravelling what is going on for us, revealing hidden truths and gems is the only forwarding movement we can realistically make, an inward journey. All other attempts keep us stuck in the past or projected future. I find I am tamed, he the only person ever to have achieved this and it's nothing as I expected. I'm not controlled, cajoled but made secure, safe within his boundaries, at last, asserted and mine configured. He, backed into a corner that I alone have achieved, he said, unable to back up his argument or refute mine. Fear and mistrust have been the driving force, miscommunication the confusion. Acceptance will be the break, halting the manic rush, bringing us down to the ground to begin what was begun many a year ago, both denied, both leading us back to one another time and time again. Either that or I'm taking a merry trip to fantasy land...only time and patience will tell. The most arduous road I've yet travelled yet peaceful, knowing what will be will be alright. I shall carry on and so shall he

Gabor Maté M.D - The Biology of Loss and Recovery

"The schools are teaching mathematics, they are teaching science but these aren't the most important things...the most important thing a human being can learn is to how to be a human being, is how to be, how to be with what there is."