An inevitable consequences of corrupt capitalism?

“fascist movements build their base not from the politically active but the politically inactive, the ‘losers’ who feel, often correctly, they have no voice or role to play in the political establishment”. Chris Hedges.

Stepping into the abyss

It's been four weeks since I walked myself into harm's way, not put unnecessarily in positions of tension or remained because of another's dependency, and avoid troublesome conflict, abandonment by revealing how I feel to people who take personally my not trusting the untrustworthiness they present. As they save their fragile self from exposure of frightened reality hidden safely behind blockades of angry torment, instead tarnishing me the unreasonable, the hateful they deny as they hold themselves in check, the victim, not the harm they inflict in avoidance of direct truth. If I'd known what the other side of the black hole of sinking dread held, that I've feared, remained close to the edge, never falling since my husband, protector left me holding the baby in dilapidated dwelling with no money or means to fix, vulnerable once again to my mother and brother's impenetrable control, I'd have jumped a thousand times and a thousand times more. Never dared take that step into the abyss since a naive yet with much instinctual wisdom doubted 21 year old who'd not yet discovered how much she could do alone, how brave she was to be able to walk away despite repercussions and come out clearer in mind each time she was met with atrocity, each time I met atrocity halfway.

Not the barbed metal jacket laden down with all I've ever done to deserve hell's piercing cold impervious to pleads of innocence never to let me rise into the silver encompassing warmth of sunlight, to breathe in again the scented grass of barefooted freedom, light with dance and glow of aura welcoming a connected companion to grow. No more the trauma demanding I lay awake in panic to face the bleak dark of night, fearful the day of losing all I have shall surely arrive now as I find my sanctuary, my home, my heart at peace at last. I sleep the sleep of being cared for, loved, to wake rested in mind to live another day with all credibility of life honestly lived. I ache in damaged body as I celebrate with those I independently choose to be in the company, my family full of the vitality of youth eagerly moving into a world of naive hope all will be well, scared it won't, our innermost selves shared with knowledge we will not be rejected but instead held near and understood as best we can. The other side is not what I'd learned to expect from a troubled, dysfunctional past but the getting here was met with post triggered by present wrath, that flagellation had first to be endured, felt and bloody scars sewed, skin softened in readiness for genuine friends yet to find in flesh. When we dare to turn and face the shadows we shy away, our reality, we shall surely find ourselves amongst the rabble, stood out like the gems we enviously see in others as we never dare let shine in ourselves. Let them be jealous, I say, stop hiding to save another from the self they too wish they were. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger? Not exactly. What doesn't kill us teaches us we can overcome terrific loss at a price. My price has been my health and financial security. My reward; knowing I was right to trust myself all along, a gift I promise never to deny my offspring and their pending families as my mother did mine. Won't you come on in? ;) Image may contain: possible text that says '"The shadow is a tight passage, a narrow door, whose painful constriction no one is spared who goes down to the deep well." Carl Jung'

The motivation hoax

Feeling inadequate when faced with other people's proclamations of self made success, unrelenting 'positivity', motivational meme's telling us all we need is hope, prayer, the power of thought, cats......? I highly recommend this book. Puts success, positivity, motivational quotes into realistic perspective. Sadly, ironically, we live in a society that regards realism as negative where self esteem is attached to external validation and obsessive passion/addiction praised. In short; we are misled by people with unrealistic expectations, demands and overinflated self esteem and entitlement. Do yourself a favour, know the road to success whatever that means to you never has the same starting point for everyone and NOT requiring external bolstering is a requisite for healthy self esteem, satisfaction in oneself....basic needs met withstanding, naturally.

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/36478531-the-motivation-hoax

I release myself.

~ I showed up to say I can hold on no more, the torment is too great. The lie I told myself that I shall stay away. ~ My aim is clear, I walk so he will follow, he follows to push me further so I walk some more in hope he will not go. ~ There's no rest in this desperate tug of war, no respite in inciting change

I know what I must do. Tell the truth, for this lie is on the floor. ~ Walk away today, hang around no more, there is a life waiting, just turn the key and open up the door. ~ Hills far away beckons this weary soul. Leave no trail, no lead, but instead, see all ahead, no more fall foul.

If I could do it all again....

I appreciate I may come across as rather self centred with my words regarding my troubled relationship patterns...in all honesty, without being able to not only write down what's going on for me but push my words out into the world I'm not sure I'd cope in isolation with nothing but my journal and books for learned comfort. This is an incredible journey for me and one, whilst holding on by a thread at times like today, is one I do not regret...although still no idea how being around personal reminders triggering all manner of anxiety, dread, the heartache that comes from a past full of trauma is going to work out. I'm confident now my addiction is the stress that comes from attaching myself to the distant and unavailable..a repeated pattern from childhood living in a very dramatic household. Always a very good reason for not succeeding in what I want to do outside of my family, my adult offspring.

Turning the clocks back, I'd not do all I have again even in recognition that I wouldn't be where I am now without that torture. Did I consciously choose the unplanned father of my daughter who, along with my defiance giving him drive to control at all costs leading to more than 20 years of my life battling, life lost? Of course, I didn't but I did choose the relationship with him nonetheless as I did this lastest conflicting desire with eyes openly reckless. I pushed beyond my means to complete a degree amongst the war that ensued, means enough to damage my body as I waded through a sea of stress dragging me in deeper with no rescue. I didn't also choose to have someone crash head-on into my car when my client didn't turn up and I left work early providing the exact time and place for the turn in my life that meant giving up all I'd worked for, giving instead time and energy to continue healing my family. It does give me pause to question how this universe works...did I unconsciously send out the signals that my fear of success needed a valid reason to halt the progress I was speedily making? Or did I need that stopped to focus on my direction? And now, the paths I have chosen bringing me right back to improving health with an aim to return to some kind of meaningful work I am rapped in thoughts of not being good enough, another excuse for not succeeding whilst knowing full well I am capable of achieving what I want with the determination that has got me thus far. Why the fear of success? Enter one mother who vehemently trampled out any ideas of "being too clever for my own good" and simultaneously using my grades as an extension of her own worthiness then to add to the confused mess would both abuse my abilities and ridicule me for having them. I became frozen, learned to hide what I knew, feared rejection from others for their feeling intimidated which led to me living up to those expectations and looked down upon anyone too stupid to understand what came so easily for me. Yes, I was obnoxious, it enabled me to maintain my distance, nobody was good enough. An upside down self alienation attaching myself to the not good enough as if to prove my point. I've no one to blame for this bizarre style of coping, not even myself. It's only with hindsight, a willingness and one someone who I still have no idea is a friend or foe having the courage to tell me how I am.

The very challenge I've sought in someone as I challenge another with the directness of what I witness in them. To find and to lose...has this been another fear of success spinning me out of control or another someone not good enough for me? Patiently agonising time, action and conversation will tell. In the meantime, left fumbling alone I am in search of where to direct and expand my capabilities. I have no desire to be perfect, another trait learned and lost to necessity, just good enough to feel satisfied for having faced another, perhaps the ultimate fear with the same gusto bringing me home to my authentic self. Shedding the shackles link by link, chinks in the chain having left their scars as reminders of the fight not quite yet won but well fought, I know I have the biggest hurdle ahead...I look forward with trepidation and cautious excitement, the past's theft of all I gained at the point of winning rumbles still in my unfed belly.

Destruction is not mine

The black abyss I feared entering my whole life was not the pits of my soul, the desolation of not being good enough, fear of rejection of all that is my nature but the realization of my own loneliness, the reality of us all. We are profoundly alone no matter what and who we surround ourselves...there is no escape from this reality. It is in deeper connection with others that we can at least share in the bleakness of this existence without escape to satisfy another's as much our own keeping away disturbing discomfort and thus we find relaxed connection to lift us from forsakenness.

This is the only isolation...self imposed, a necessary coping mechanism for attachment, the norm of societal imposition of avoidance creating depressing isolation we perpetually deepen with purchased promises of alleviation, elevation to higher planes with anything but the resolution we truly require. This Western society we have created is moving further and further away from reality and closer to the sickness that permeates all in its wake. Disconnection...destruction, yet I have been deemed the bringer of gloom for exposing the sad reality we would all, if honest, understand as our very own. It is in our connection with our own innate being, the natural in the world we seek from potted plants on windowsills, sunsets and rises to the great expanse of the wilderness we find solace. Human nature is not clothed and wrapped up in material possession but crying out to be released, set free in beautiful nakedness, dancing without care of being watched, judged, shoved back into the boxes that never fit.

Jack Johnson - The Upsetter

An unexpected consequence to reconnecting with my authentic self is how I have found the ability to recognise and stop the natter in my head determined to upset my day, anything that is going right for me. I'm no longer suppressing the emotion but witnessing and putting an end to what doesn't work for me entirely. These voices have been the heavy baggage that's held me back my whole life despite facing the fears, the weight has been draining, preventing full expression of joy, excitement and enthusiasm as well as anxiety and nervousness. The dread I would feel at the end of every day was repressed, too big a black hole I believed to dare enter but now re-experienced I see it for what it is and always has been....not mine but the messages I received from a very frightened mother and passive father who just wanted a peaceful life at the expense of a functional family. Mine is the freedom to decide what thoughts will occupy my mind and I choose to understand, an open mind to learn all I can about the wheres and wherefores of life and feel all that comes with every adventure, no more hiding. This is the independence I shall be celebrating today